little triumphs.

26 May
I honestly don’t know where my weekends go.  Thursday night Paige and I went to a wine tasting/dinner.  [Stories and photos still to come.]  I suppose yesterday was occupied with a couple pastoral care visits and running errands.  Today I slept in until 9:30, sleeping to the soundtrack of a thunder storm. I rolled four cakes worth of cakeballs and answered some long delayed emails.  I wrote a sermon [don’t get me started on that.] and had Harry Potter movies playing in the background all day.  Mabel and I went for a short walk and I quilted.
Glorious quilting.  Too many days it is my saving grace, my creative outlet, and my chance to see something progress.  I finished a quilt top for a baby boy quilt tonight.  It’s been a joy and challenge to create; I used all fabrics I already had in my stash, except the backing [which I bought for $2.97/yard – score!]. The backing fabric is in the washer and I go to bed dreaming of free motion quilting and hand binding which will have to wait until tomorrow night to begin.  Long day tomorrow … 

vacation plans.

24 May
It’s one week away and I’m beyond psyched.  [obviously.  I can’t stop talking about it.]
It will be a lot of driving but glorious time away.  
Oh, beautiful day.
Vacation will start with a wedding on Friday in the Cities.  Seminary friend, Frank, is marrying his Kate.  And I’m bringing the cakepops.  [They hired me to make 300.  Yum yum.]
I’ll stay a night with BFF Sara in her new home [which she shares with a boy.  eww.  gross.  boys.] and then drive to Dawson the next day for graduation festivities.  And maybe a Sunday of worship at Grace?  [I hate to be that person … but any Dawson friends have a couch I could crash on Saturday night?  My usual couch-to-crash-on is at the house of one of said graduation parties.  Needless to say, they will be otherwise engaged and busy.  Any suggestions?]
From Dawson, I may swing down to Sioux Falls to visit my college roommate and her husband for a night or two.  It’s been a long while since I’ve played with Joe and Amanda!  
I’ll return to the parsonage for a night to unpack and repack for the second leg of the adventure.  I’m buying a state park pass and hopping my way north to Grand Marais, where I have a two night reservation at a bed and breakfast.  I’ve never been north of Duluth and it’s been over 10 years since I was even that far north.  I’m excited to see lighthouses, hike, read, and relax.  And most of all –
I’m excited to kayak.  To go kayaking is a long time dream of mine.  I’ve never been and I just know I will love it.  I love a good canoe trip and I have a feeling kayaking will be just as wonderful.  I have signed up for a guided kayak tour out and about on Lake Superior and I’m so thrilled at the thought.
You might wonder, Are you going by yourself?  Yes.  I recently came to the realization that if I keep waiting for someone to have these adventures with, I may never do it.  My friends are busy.  My friends have other friends.  Some of my friends don’t even have the same interests.  And so I go by myself.  I learned from my Alaskan adventure last summer that traveling along isn’t so horrid.  It even has some perks.  I don’t mind being alone.  [which sounds really sad.  but it’s okay.  really.  well, most days anyways.]

immediate reactions.

24 May
Once upon a time, there was a billboard.  This billboard was the route of a major highway in south eastern Minnesota.  Pastor Lindsay passed the billboard today.  On one side of the board it said Heaven.  On the other side it said Hell.  There was an OR between the two words.  Heaven or Hell.  Below that was a phone number: [random three numbers] – FOR – TRUTH.  Then there was, in the corner, John 3:36.  Whoever believes in the Son has eternal life, but whoever rejects the Son will not see life, for God’s wrath remains on them.
Things like this make Pastor Lindsay’s skin crawl.  Things like this tend to be the version of Christianity most people know.  Heaven or hell.  Black and white.  Absolute.  Right and wrong.  Call them for the truth because obviously they have it and you don’t.  [This isn’t even addressing the ignorance and intolerance and everything else for which Christianity gets press.  Gross.]
The Lutheran in me twitches.  The liberal in me screams.  For a long time, I would have really questioned myself in regards to my immediate reactions.  Could I confidently say what I believed?  Are my liberal Lutheran beliefs off and crazy?  Will people tell me I’m wrong for being a universalist [belief in salvation for all] and thinking this billboard is off its rocker?  
When I was on the first call theological retreat a couple weeks ago, I heard a seasoned pastor – one that I greatly respect – engage in a discussion about something or other with another.  At one point, he said this: “If there isn’t universalism, I’m not sure I want anything to do with it.”
Phew.  My own beliefs affirmed by another.  [Unfortunately, I need that affirmation for confidence sake.]  I can be a universalist and be okay.  [But don’t tell ROG.  I’m not sure they’re ready for their liberal pastor to come out of the box.]  I can scorn this billboard for being so certain, and I can believe that God’s love is bigger than they [and I] know.  I can say that I don’t have all the answers and that’s okay.  No one does – especially those who claim they do.
Okay.  I don’t know if I made any sense at all.  It’s probably scrambled and odd.  But I’m done now.

  

promoting self-esteem.

22 May
Amen, D. Lose.  Amen.  
The nail hath been hitteth on the head.  I often have these thoughts and these fears and the need to help young gals [and guys] in my ministry feel loved and valued … but I couldn’t have said it any better than awesome D. Lose.  
[David Lose is a beloved Norwegian-sweater-wearing preaching professor at Luther Seminary and a constant help to me on my sermons via workingpreacher.org.  You can sign up for daily devotions from him delivered to your email on his … in the Meantime site, linked above.]

this week –

21 May
The name of this week is balance.  And joy.  And sanity.
After a really crappy Saturday night of loathing my job and hating myself for my procrastination talent, I need a recovery week.  Balance.  Joy.  Sanity.
How will that happen?
. No evening meetings equals home at five every night. 
. Fresh strawberries and fresh pineapple.
. Designated DEAR time during the work day.
. Iced coffee in the fridge.
. The beginnings of a container garden and spreading mulch.  And I moved a hosta.  I hope I didn’t kill it.
. Booking a b&b and kayak trip in Grand Marais for vacation.  Maybe a pottery class too?
. A new quilt pieced together on the dining room table.
. A list of enjoyable tasks at church that include large sheets of paper and a staff meeting.
Do you hear that?  It’s me breathing a sigh of relief.  This week will be awesome.

an afternoon trip.

20 May

To Luther Seminary’s commencement. A grand afternoon celebrating friends. It’s hard to believe that was me just one year ago …

I’m spent.

19 May
It’s just after 7pm on Saturday night and I can’t get myself to write a sermon.

It’s not that I’m tired.  I just made a lovely dinner and now have strawberry and rhubarb simmering on the stove.  I worked outside and had a baptism at the church earlier.  I want to start a quilt; the fabrics are all ironed and laying on the ironing board.  [a baby quilt, a la this pattern.]  There is stuff to do and I would love to do it.
But instead I’m stuck.  I’ve tried and thought about it all weekend; now it’s crunch time.  A sermon must be in presentable working order in 14 hours.  I’ve started but I cannot get myself to continue.  Creative energy at an all time low.  I see facebook statuses of friends with awesome sermon titles and ways to draw people in.  I have none of that.  I can’t keep doing this.  I loathe Saturday nights of working, especially knowing that the next morning will be an early and stressful one.
blah, blah, blah.  complain, complain, complain.
I’ll stop now.
I just need to survive the next one and a half weeks.  One and a half weeks until I’m on vacation for a week.  One and a half weeks until I will jump in my car, visit friends, relax, and have a Sunday off.  I will read and kayak and sleep.  I hope it rejuvenates me.  It has to … right?

a confirmation end.

17 May
Last night was the bittersweet last evening of confirmation for the school year.
We begin every night with sharing our highs and lows – things that have gone well for the week, and things that have not been so great.  I think three out of the four seventh graders included a low that confirmation was ending.  They ask to stay later.  They wonder why confirmation classes don’t go through the summer.  They like confirmation.  It makes me melt.  
And, last night, things felt sad.  These seventh graders were really sad that it was over.  It felt like we should have ended with a group hug or something.  I promised that we would try and have a few confirmation get-togethers this summer and they liked that idea.  Honestly, I’ll be sad too.  [Though also a bit excited to have my Wednesday nights free.  Hence the bittersweet.]
For our last night, we had pizza [including a s’more dessert pizza] and went on a culminating Bible knowledge-esque scavenger hunt.  We chatted a lot and we prayed.  And I invited them to fill out some casual evaluations.  Ready to see a few samples?  This was the last question and you may need to refresh yourself on this background story first.  It seems I will never live it down … also, these kids just really like ninjas.  

first call reTREAT.

16 May
From Sunday evening to Tuesday afternoon, I lived at Gustavus Adolphus College in St.Peter, MN with ten other first call pastors.*
ca-ray-zee.
We talked about anxiety.  I know what that is.  A speaker came in to present a day of family systems theory.  Interesting stuff.  We all walk around as pseudo-selves, and need to consistently try to differentiate ourselves from that person.  [Psycho babble?  A bit.  But it totally makes sense.]  It was great to know that I am never alone in psycho babble and anxious pastoral stuff.
We ate a lot at the Gustavus cafeteria, though I still marvel at the lack of hard boiled eggs at breakfast, and spent time with the Bishop.  It was all good but also a lot of people time.  I realized I’m an introvert who wants to be invited into conversation but also an introvert who doesn’t want to be put on the spot for conversation.  I’m an introvert that can’t win.
We drank wine, snacked, and stayed up late telling stories.  We turned Lindsay on.
wait.  what?
Ready for a story?  Every year the synod hosts an assembly.  The assembly this year was the same weekend as I had a wedding here at ROG.  Paige, jD, and I couldn’t be together at a synod event for the first time nearly ever.  Tragic, really.  And so, to be connected ever so distantly, Paige named the wi-fi hotspot on her phone Lindsay.  That way, as jD and Paige used internet on their iPads at the assembly, they were connected to Lindsay.  To me.  [aww.]
Some people at the retreat wanted to use me, er, the internet.  And so they asked Paige if I could be turned on.  insert dirty joke and lindsay-the-person blushing.  This used to be a compliment! I exclaimed at one point as it went a bit extreme.
It still is, said Charlie.
Aww.  Thanks, Charlie.

* Pastors in their first three years of ministry are part of a first-call theological education.  That includes various meetings, a monthly colleague group, and a yearly retreat.  It’s quite fun.

love one another.

13 May
I woke up at 12:30 am after having gone to bed just after 11.  This never happens to me.  If there is one thing I’m a rock star at, it’s a good night of sleep.  I was super cold so I put on socks and a long sleeve tshirt.  I went back to bed.  Still freezing.  I prance downstairs to investigate turning on the furnace.  The thermostat says that it is 68 degrees.  I normally sleep at 65 so this should not be a problem.  I grab another quilt and back to bed I go, shivering the whole way.
I thought maybe I was getting sick.  [I also sneezed appox. 8 times this morning.]  And maybe that is part of it.  But part of it quite honestly may have been the sermon I was going to preach this morning.
I talked about gay marriage in my sermon.
gasp.  How could I not?  It was in the news all over the place this week.  Obama.  North Carolina.  Last weekend was our synod’s assembly, at which they voted to oppose the upcoming marriage amendment here in Minnesota.  I talked a lot about it with my staff.  [jD and I now hold weekly staff meetings.]  He’s in fact the one who really brought it to my attention and I think he is totally right.  [Right?]
But it still made me incredibly nervous.  And terrified.  Now, don’t get me wrong.  I did not tell people what was right or what was wrong.  I tried not to even disclose my own views.  I tried to honor the gospel text in light of what is going on in our world.  That’s something we do every time we read scripture.  
So we talked about friendship.  And loving one another as Jesus commands us.  And how we can honor those gospel topics even when we disagree.  Even when we are scared.  How to be in community with each other.  Oh, how I pray the Holy Spirit used my words for good.
I do really feel like it should be addressed.  At ROG, to my knowledge, the congregation has had zero conversation about gay marriage.  To a point, that can’t be healthy either.  So I did it.  And I’m still terrified that I somehow planted seeds that will result in my removal.  [I exaggerate.]  I think I also want everyone to love me all the time; this might have ruined that with a few people.  But, truth be told, in a leadership position, if I don’t piss people off once in a while, I’m treading too lightly.  Mostly, I heard good feedback.  People acknowledged that it was a hard topic to address, and many thanked me for doing so.  
There was, though, that one gentleman who shook my hand and told me, “Read the Bible.  It’s all in the Bible.”
Interesting.  I’m pretty sure that’s what I did.  
“My commandment is this: Love one another as I have loved you.” [John 15]
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