Today I went to the office. [I walked across the parking lot.]
I was the tiniest bit terrified about it. Nay – I was absolutely terrified. and nervous. and unsure.
I caught up with the administrative assistant – Marilyn – and then set to work on my office. The way it was set up made it look like the place where furniture went to die – a mix of different pieces in an odd combination. I wasn’t quite sure how to make it functional and spatially attractive to me so I simply started pushing desks in different places, and by golly gee, I’m really happy with how it turned out. I hope to get some lighter paint on the walls and have the blinds on the big window repaired so I can have as much natural light as possible. Books, gnomes, and office supplies were moved in and I love the result. Here I can write a sermon or meet with a couple for pre-marital. I can assemble various projects at a work table [hidden behind the door] and use either my macbook [preferred] or the desktop [when needed].
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After rearranging and unpacking, I tried to get a handle on a few things. The result of this effort was a l.o.n.g. list of questions, a couple researched files, and a to-do list for the future. I met with Brent, the council president for a brief period of time, talking about budget, the upcoming annual meeting, and the logistics of a cell phone for me. I’ve only worked here for a day but I appreciate this man. A lot. He appears to be so involved, so genuine, and so strong a leader, which is exactly what a church needs in a transition like this.
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On the other side of things, I spoke to a certain colleague on the phone at three? four? different times today. The main question I asked [and this colleague echoed] was this:
What in the world am I doing?
Not only what am I doing but why am I doing it? I am perfectly certain that I’m called to be a pastor but really? Really? Is it normal to ask myself what in the world I’m doing every day? every hour? I know I love it; I really do. I think beginnings are hard, especially when I have no clue where to begin. I think that once I feel comfortable, feel like I have a handle on what’s going on, and feel like I not only know people but that people know me, I might ask this question less frequently. But for now, each day, as I walk across that parking lot, I think I’ll question what in the world I’m doing and if it’s right.
Basically, what I’m left with at the end of my first day is a lot of questions. Lots of questions. There is lingering fear and definite nerves about being THE pastor at this church. The former pastor here ended his last newsletter article with something like, “May God bless you as you follow Pastor Lindsay and her leadership.” My leadership? I have leadership? I’m the leader? Lots of questions. Lots of confidence needs to be relocated within myself. Lots will happen and ultimately, despite the questions of what in the world I’m doing, I think this is the place for me.
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| my office door with a greeting from pastor paige! |
there's no place like gnome. 
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