14 May
I constantly compare myself to others.  I know I shouldn’t.  I know that I am me and you are you and our paths through life are different and that’s how it is meant to be.  But I still make the side-by-side lists in my head, comparing pros and cons, good and bad.
Right now my lists consist of comparing myself to classmates regarding calls.  Many of my friends have calls to churches post-graduation.  Many are planning ordinations.  Many know what their summer will look like.  I am incredibly happy for these friends – really, I am! – but I don’t have a call, I’m not planning an ordination, and I know only what my June will look like.  My comparisons have me feeling pretty low.
I had an impending sense of doom throughout all of Thursday.  You know those days when you feel like something is just going to go wrong?  The pit in my stomach warned me that something wasn’t quite right.  I called the synod of my assignment to see what they knew about the church where I had interviewed, since it had been nearly two weeks and I’d heard nothing.  The synod knew that the church liked me – they are not releasing me as a candidate – but they also want to interview more people.  I still feel pretty emotional about the news; in summary, the news kinda sucked.
I know that I am called to be a pastor and that I do well in this vocation.  I know that there will be a church that wants me and that calls me but for now, I feel a bit like a failure.  Again, in comparing myself with others who are called and have dates on the calendar to be ordained and to move and to begin working, I’m behind.  If we continue to compare this process to dating, I feel rejected.  [Ah, yes.  Know that feeling well.]
I’ve been in this place before, with my negative thoughts and illicit comparisons, but I refuse to let them infiltrate all facets of my life.  Yeah, Thursday was a pretty down day [blogger being down helped none.] but things have looked up since then.  I have two finals left to complete by Monday and many opportunities to be social beside.  After that, time will be filled with craftiness, packing, and general playing and merriment.  I know I move home for June and if June turns into June and July, maybe that will give me the chance to start my Etsy store or explore reading, running, and crafting at length.  Maybe I could look for a fun-to-me part-time job or consider visiting long-lost friends in WA and IN and MI.  Maybe I’ll stop comparing myself to others too, and enjoy this unique journey as my own and one that needs to be no one else’s.  

One Response to “comparisons.”

  1. Karen May 16, 2011 at 12:13 am #

    Hey Lindsay,I wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you! Keep your chin up (that's one of my dad's phrases)and have patience. I have confidence in you and in the process. There is a church out there just waiting for you! I gave the cakepop recipe to my mom to start the process for graduation. I am too much of a perfectionist and was having a hard time handing over the recipe and supplies without actually trying it myself. Kels said they looked weird when she went to inspect. I am sure they are fine – Kels asked if I had shown her a picture of yours so she had something to go by! I did because I wanted them perfect like yours! Well hopefully the next 70 turn out better!Have a good week as you finish your finals! I will be thinking of you!Karen

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