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A Sunday post on Wednesday.

14 Sep

First, from the rooftops and from the parsonage, I will yell, “I HAVE INTERNET!”  Thanks to the suggestion of Crystal at Verizon Wireless, I charged an extra $20 to my phone bill [*under breath* my brother’s phone bill] in order to turn my iphone into a wifi hotspot.  $20 will well be worth the saving of my sanity.  Now begins the seven million blog posts I’ve written in Word in the past week.  Check back often – I’m staggering their posting to keep you in suspense.  First, a post about my first Sunday at Red Oak Grove –
Sunday, during worship, was not the first time a child ran amock during a children’s sermon I led.  It wasn’t the first time an organist and I mis-communicated and played/talked at the same time.   It was not the first time I led worship alone. 
Sunday was, however, the first time I have ever been able to say, in the confession and forgiveness at the beginning of worship, “as a called and ordained minister of the church of Christ.”  It was the first time I wore a stole while leading worship.  [Green – thanks, Grace!]  It was the first time I led worship at Red Oak Grove Lutheran Church.
And it was good.  I learned a lot more names, shook a lot more hands, and made a lot more connections.  [Including a woman who belongs to and is very involved in Tanzania missions at Trinity in Stillwater – the congregation at which I worked for nearly three years.  Turns out she was baptized at ROG – it was fun to talk with her!]  During coffee hour each Sunday, birthdays and anniversaries of that week are recognized.  The pastor rings a bell to get everyone’s attention and happy birthday/happy anniversary songs are sung.  Every week, one member of the congregation, who is handicapped, raises her hand in response to “Anyone have birthdays this week?” with a “MEEEE!”   Every week.  [I feel like there is more of a story there with some giant dose of community and grace.  I’ll keep investigating and will report back at a later date.] 
I feel like some of the compliments and graciousness was due to the honeymoon we’re currently on.  It’s the honeymoon period of the church and I.  As a number two on the enneagram, I feel like they were sitting in the pews, judging me and what I was saying and how I was doing it.  [That’s probably not even the two in me.  That’s just honest truth.]  Even though they shook my hand enthusiastically, I can’t help but wonder what they really think.  You know, how they really feel about this new pastor of theirs who desperately needs a haircut.  [Seriously.]

to work.

6 Sep
Today I went to the office.  [I walked across the parking lot.]
I was the tiniest bit terrified about it.  Nay – I was absolutely terrified.  and nervous.  and unsure.  
I caught up with the administrative assistant – Marilyn – and then set to work on my office.  The way it was set up made it look like the place where furniture went to die – a mix of different pieces in an odd combination.  I wasn’t quite sure how to make it functional and spatially attractive to me so I simply started pushing desks in different places, and by golly gee, I’m really happy with how it turned out.  I hope to get some lighter paint on the walls and have the blinds on the big window repaired so I can have as much natural light as possible.  Books, gnomes, and office supplies were moved in and I love the result.  Here I can write a sermon or meet with a couple for pre-marital.  I can assemble various projects at a work table [hidden behind the door] and use either my macbook [preferred] or the desktop [when needed]. 

After rearranging and unpacking, I tried to get a handle on a few things.  The result of this effort was a l.o.n.g. list of questions, a couple researched files, and a to-do list for the future.  I met with Brent, the council president for a brief period of time, talking about budget, the upcoming annual meeting, and the logistics of a cell phone for me.  I’ve only worked here for a day but I appreciate this man.  A lot.  He appears to be so involved, so genuine, and so strong a leader, which is exactly what a church needs in a transition like this.  
On the other side of things, I spoke to a certain colleague on the phone at three? four? different times today.  The main question I asked [and this colleague echoed] was this:
What in the world am I doing?
Not only what am I doing but why am I doing it?  I am perfectly certain that I’m called to be a pastor but really?  Really?  Is it normal to ask myself what in the world I’m doing every day?  every hour?  I know I love it; I really do.  I think beginnings are hard, especially when I have no clue where to begin.  I think that once I feel comfortable, feel like I have a handle on what’s going on, and feel like I not only know people but that people know me, I might ask this question less frequently.  But for now, each day, as I walk across that parking lot, I think I’ll question what in the world I’m doing and if it’s right.  
Basically, what I’m left with at the end of my first day is a lot of questions.  Lots of questions.  There is lingering fear and definite nerves about being THE pastor at this church.  The former pastor here ended his last newsletter article with something like, “May God bless you as you follow Pastor Lindsay and her leadership.”  My leadership?  I have leadership?  I’m the leader?  Lots of questions.  Lots of confidence needs to be relocated within myself.  Lots will happen and ultimately, despite the questions of what in the world I’m doing, I think this is the place for me.  
my office door with a greeting from pastor paige!

It was good.

24 Aug
[But now I need some major introvert Lindsay time.]
I’ve spent the last two days visiting my future congregation in Austin.  It was at the suggestion of the council that I visit and get a grip on a few things before diving in and beginning in September.  Wanting to make good on the council’s suggestion and come in on a good foot, I agreed to meet with the current interim, see what he had to say, and stay in the community for a few nights.
The interim showed me points of interest in the surrounding towns and gave me a few tips that he has learned as a pastor at Red Oak Grove.  A few things that he showed me were very helpful. [And a few … well.]  We had some good theological conversation with two very different perspectives – he as a pastor on the brink of retirement and me as one who is just beginning of another generation.  There were moments when I was really excited and moments when I was really terrified about what in the world I have gotten myself into …
A really good moment – despite the surprise of it – was the meet and greet that was planned for Tuesday night.  [I was not made aware that this would even be happening until Monday night – surprise!]  It was at the local pizza place and members knew that they could stop in and meet me – the new pastor – between 5:30 and 7.  Many members took advantage of it and I meeted and greeted until I was exhausted.  [I’m still exhausted!  Four hours in the car alone will be awesome to recharge.]  I got many flicks of the hand with “You’ll fit right in here.  I can already tell!” and only a few comments about my age.  [Unlike the interim who liked to add, “And that was only last year!” to my line of “We sold the farm when I was 16.”]  I think they are right – I think I’ll fit in.  They seem like a really great crew.
Who’s excited?  This girl.  
Now onward to Dawson for a night of gnome friends!  
Who’s excited for that?  This girl.

the three gnomes.

29 Jul
It’s a tale much like that of the deathly hallows – of an elder wand, a resurrection stone, and a cloak of invisibility.*  But this tale is one of three gnomes with three lessons for ministry.  These three gnomes magically appeared in the pulpit at my ordination, traveling long distances with Pastor Kendall as their guide.
Gnomes are certainly wise creatures despite the bad reputation they seem to gain.  [Something about stealing socks and pulling pranks from within the weeds.]  These gnomes are theologically wise, having much knowledge of ministry and how to be a non-anxious presence in pastoral care and other situations.  As they shared their perfect three tips at my ordination, so they wish to share with you.

The first gnome, on the left, with his finger to his lips, reminds us that to listen is golden.  In ministry – as in all important conversations and in every relationship – it is important to listen.  Listening, often more than talking, is why we have two ears and only one mouth; use them proportionately.  
The middle gnome, with his hands and arms in a gentle shrug, reminds us that no one has the answers.  Not I, not you.  Sometimes – likely more often than we do – it’s okay to say, “I don’t know.”  I don’t know why bad things happen.  I don’t know why there is so much pain in the world.  I don’t know where your other black sock went.  shrug.  I don’t know.  And that’s okay.  It’s honest and it’s true and sometimes it’s the best answer to say that you don’t have the answer.  
The gnome on the right, with hands in a prayerful grasp, seek to show us to pray first and speak after.  If you pray before speaking, the prayer is one of guidance and asking for God’s presence within a conversation.  But, if you pray after speaking, the prayer is one of seeking forgiveness and questions of “why did I just say that?!”  Pray first, speak later.  Pray first.
There we have it.  The three gnomes and the tales of wisdom they came to East Koshkonong to share.  Thanks to the three wise gnomes for their tips for ministry and the ways in which they share the life lessons they have learned.  And thanks to Pastor Kendall for bringing them to me and to live forever in my church office.  [Which they totally will.  They will live on a shelf, occasionally on my desk, and be a conversation piece for all who visit.  Major, major creativity points to KLS.  Awesome sermon to bring home the ordination.  Awesome.]

* Harry Potter reference.  Catch up, folks!

a few photos.

27 Jul
More will follow!

laying on of hands.

the dawson sixteen-hours-in-a-car wonderful crew.

molly was my awesome acolyte.

giving of the stole.
a better glance at the stole, sewn by mom.

the ladies served a super classy reception.

with aunt kari and molly bea.

the grandparents.

crying and smiling.

25 Jul
There’s that Dr. Seuss quote that gets around – “Don’t cry because it’s over; smile because it happened.”
That’s not working out so well for me in regards to [whispers] the ordination.
It’s not all tears – I am smiling.  I’ve been smiling since guests began arriving yesterday.  My friend, Sara, arrived to my house early afternoon yesterday, followed by Cassie.  Dawson folks arrived at church shortly after [including a wonderful surprise as Sharon walked into church!], and then congregation members, call committee people from Austin, family, and more friends.  I smiled when Keith, the custodian from Grace, greeted me with a smirk, a hug, [note: oxford comma] and a “Sunshine!”  I smiled when Miss Molly Bea [my 6th grade cousin and goddaughter] conquered her public speaking fear to read during the service.  I smiled when my mom put the stole around my shoulders, and felt great moments of support and comfort through the hands that were laid upon me.  I smiled when Kendall said, “I’ll be right back,” dipped down into the pulpit, and came back up with three gnomes to teach us lessons.  [More on that to follow.  I will share the gnomes and the lessons with you!]  I smiled during the special music and when I handed bread to my cousin, Sam, during communion as he giggled.  I smiled at how lovely the ladies of the church set up the reception that followed, complete with fancy coffee servers and a quilt/prayer shawl gift for me.  And many hugs.  So many hugs.  I love hugs.  It was a good day.  [More stories certainly to follow.]
But now this morning, I’m crying too.  I cried in the days leading up to the ordination, causing me fear that I wouldn’t be able to remain dry-eyed during the service.  Miraculously, I did.  [I recall this from my last Sunday in Dawson, too.  It’s not because I’m a rock and have no emotions – I think my body holds out on me and keeps me pretty level-headed when I’m in front of people.]  I’m crying because it’s over and because of all the people who traveled and supported me on this day.  I felt so incredibly loved yesterday!  I’m crying because for the last few weeks I’ve been able to say to many of my geographically-distant friends, “I’ll see you soon!”  Now I don’t know when I’ll see them next.  I cry at the wonderful notes that people wrote in the cards I received [“Lindsay, You have been on my daily prayer list for years and you will continue to be on that list.”], and cry at how wonderfully my friends from home and family [some of whom are not so favorable towards church] tell me they’re proud of me and support me.

It was a big day.  A good day.  An emotional service and wonderful celebration.  A ginormous thank you to all those who came, who hugged, who participated, and who were thinking about me yesterday!

I felt the love.  Thank you.

[want to hear a rap about the ordination?  of course you do and my rapping friends, Joel and Melissa, provided!  it’s awesome.  as usual.  “so/ the sun is setting as I write this rhyme/ can you believe it’s almost time/ four years at seminary/ a couple interviews/ hey/ did you hear the great news?/ Lindsay Stolen gettin’ ordained on Sunday afternoon/ near the end of July/ the month after June/ with joy we dance to a little tune/ your feet hit the floor/ the plans have been made/ cold oatmeal with almond milk/ is your breakfast of trade/ a robe called an alb/ a stole/ you’re a pastor/ how the time flies much faster/ how do you feel? … well we’ll just ask you/ you’re a firework/ a dance party rocker/ blogger extraordinaire/ a tight rope walker/ so what we’re trying to say/ through all these words and phrases/ may God bless you this day and always/ for new trails you blaze/ peace and love to you.”

AND if you weren’t able to attend, here’s a section of the service, lovingly prepared and taped by my soon-to-be southeastern MN colleagues.  they’ve already invited themselves over to my house for dinner on sept. 12 and much shenanigans will ensue.  thanks to Lauren, jD, and Paige for this creative greeting!  I am blessed with such awesome friends, all around.  seriously.]

[the sound?  the baptismal font.  love it.]

acceptance.

21 Jul
I received my oh-so-very official letter of call to Red Oak Grove in the mail a few days ago.  It has a gold seal and everything.  By putting a letter of acceptance in the mail tomorrow, I accept the call to serve as their pastor.  This is my job description:
“To preach and teach the Word of God in accordance with the Holy Scriptures and the Lutheran Confessions; to administer Holy Baptism and Holy Communion; to lead in worship; to proclaim the forgiveness of sins; to provide pastoral care; to speak justice in behalf of the poor and oppressed; to encourage persons to prepare for the ministry of the Gospel; to impart knowledge of the Evangelical Lutheran Church in American and its wider ministry; to endeavor to increase support given by our congregation to the work of our whole church; to equip the congregation for witness and service; and guide the congregation in proclaiming God’s love through word and deed.”
I love it.
Game on.

bulletin: complete.

20 Jul
It was a big day in the world of ordination planning for this girl.  Knowing that the bulletins need to be printed tomorrow meant buckling down on the project that has consumed my life.  Picky and particular about spacing, layout, and fonts, I spend way too much time on things like this.  But I was also able to add something to the bulletin today which was quite thrilling for me –
Special music.  With word this morning that the entire staff of Grace in Dawson is coming [enter jumping up and down, a three-fold amen, or something to signify the excitement], I realized I had both a talented piano man and strong voice to put to use.  Last minute, I know, but I’m super excited that Chris and Jon agreed to do a music piece for the offering.  [Likely another moment I’ll cry during the service.]
I made lots of detail phone calls today.  I spoke with the woman of the church who is putting together the reception that follows.  She wondered how many to plan for at the service.  75?, she asked.  I said, well, with my family and friends from outside the church alone, I bet we’re looking at fifty.  [Fifty?!  I’m so excited!]  I spoke to Red Oak Grove [check out this strange looking girl on their website] to learn if they were or were not coming to present me.  [Answer still unknown.]  Facebook messages, emails, and texts were sent and received, all leading up to a fairly concrete and appropriate service, neatly arranged on four sheets of folded paper.  To the printer tomorrow and then I won’t look at them until Sunday for fear of finding a typo.
It was a great check-things-off-the-list kind of day and simply a day to get extremely emotional about what is to come.  I spoke to Tammy on the phone and she told me, “I’m so excited I can hardly stand it!” Me too!  My red stole [sewn by my mother] hangs on the door to my bedroom and as I look at it, I realize I’m trapped in a glass case of emotion.  One minute, it’s tears.  The next, pure unhinged excitement.  I can’t stand it!
[I also went to Madison for a haircut.  Baked a batch of cookies.  Went swimming with the cousins whom I picked up from daycare.  Made cakepops with Aunt Kari and cousin Connor for his grad party on Saturday.  Long day.  Exciting day.  Time for night-night.  Sleep well.]

shoes.

19 Jul
I’m going to get all girly on you right about now.
I’m so excited to begin working again in a congregation.  I’m so thrilled to think about doing ministry again as a pastor.  I can’t wait for many reasons [new people, children’s ministry, a house] but one of those reasons is pretty silly.
I miss wearing heels.

I miss dressing up on a daily basis.  Last year, while on internship, I discovered I loved heels with a nice pair of Gap trousers.  First of all, the pants are too long for me to wear without heels.  [I’m short.]  But second, I just feel much more put together and I know I carry myself taller when I’m propped up a few inches by my shoes.

I loved the feeling of a fun pair of heels on my feet while wearing a robe leading worship.  [It’s nearly the only part of me that people can see, not covered by the alb.  Might as well make it fun and my style.] There were many Sundays people commented on the shoes.  Many times the women loved them and often time, the men made fun of them.  
I still remember wearing my shiny black pointy-toed heels for the first time on a Sunday.  As I recessed out with Kendall at the end of the service, an usher stopped me in the narthex and asked me if I had a license to carry a lethal weapon.  “What?” I asked him, seriously confused.  He pointed to my shoes.  “You could hurt someone with those.”
Wearing heels requires some strategic planning.  To not wear the ones that clicked the loudest on the hardwood floors of the altar area at funerals was often a part of my thought process.  In the winter, to transition from the actual funeral service to the graveside meant a quick switch of heels to boots or flats.  Often times, I actually just kept my heels at church, especially in the winter.  They sat in a line behind my desk in my office and I would wear my boots to and from, changing when I walked in the door.
I don’t have much cause to wear heels right now.  I’ll be honest – most days I don’t do my hair and some I don’t even change out of my sweats.  It’s pretty lowkey here on Aarback as I make cakepops and prep the ordination bulletin.

But that doesn’t mean I haven’t added to my heel wardrobe in the last few weeks.  I scored a pair of red low heels as ordination footwear [The color of the day is red.] and the other two pair I bought today, all mega on clearance.  I figure they’ll be put to use once I’m back in the parish.  Or maybe tomorrow, just for kicks [get it?  kicks.], I’ll wear them when I go off to Madison to get my hair cut.  [My hair needs a major boost of life.  It’s pretty dead.  Hopefully Mallory can help me!]

we do weddings.

18 Jul
My home congregation is currently in interim and the interim has been on vacation for the last couple weeks.  I had a few clergy/wedding questions that I found no answers to online so I decided to visit my grandparent’s church in town and speak to their pastor.  
Pastor Jim was willing to sit down with me and answer my questions.  [Turns out, as a member of the clergy, I don’t need to register with the county/state in order to facilitate weddings.  Weird.]  We then began talking about what was coming up for me and for him, which led to ordination talk and more wedding talk.
My friends, Lynn and Kyle, are getting married at this church in September by Pastor Jim with me in some sort of assisting role.  I’ve done it before.  My friends, Kim and Mike, were married there a few years ago.  I assisted and preached the message.  [Kim is always quite thrilled to tell people that I blessed her.]
And so Pastor Jim and I talk about Lynn and Kyle’s wedding.  He mentioned that he spoke to Kyle earlier that day about pre-marital and beginning to make final decisions for the big day.  Kyle brought up my role in the service, reminding Pastor Jim that both he and Lynn want me to be a part of it.  
Pastor Jim said, “Oh, sure.  No problem.  Lindsay and I do weddings.”

Love it.

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