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coming home.

27 Jun
Yesterday, while chatting with seminary friends following jD’s ordination in Rochester, one asked me what it was like to be living at home again.  I kinda stumbled over my answer.  I mean, it’s good but it’s also not any surprise to any person that moving home after being away for so long would be tough.  There are certainly perks to being home – living in the country, seeing family, free rent, etc.  Definitely perks.  I love seeing cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents on a nearly daily basis or being able to call them up and see who is up for any kind of adventure.  I love my hammock and having time to read.  A full-sized kitchen in which to cook and bake.  Time to sew and a yard in which to frolic.  It’s been fun living with Mom and Em, though it seems we’re all too scattered to really be together too much.  I’m still waiting for a repeat Friday night of Modern Family and chinese take-out …
See – perks.  But then today I woke up extremely angry and frustrated about how things have changed.  This isn’t in regards to family or the home I’m living in but rather in regards to friends.  My high school friends and I have remained in touch and close since we graduated nine years ago.  Now that I’ve returned, five of us live in southern WI/northern IL, plus some boy friends who live close too.  I moved home and thought that this would be great.  I could hang out and reconnect with my long lost friends that I haven’t lived near in so many years.
It has kind of worked.  I see a small number of these friends and talk to them on a weekly basis.  [The three Ks – Krissy, Kim, and Kay.]  But then there are those friends that seem to have grown distant from me without knowledge or my permission!  Why do they exclusively hang out with other people, not reply to my facebook messages, and create events to which I’m not invited?
I understand it’s simply a fact of life.  There are friends for certain seasons, and in other seasons, those friendships change and grow distant.  I think what frustrates me the most is that I didn’t get the memo.  There was no breaking point in the friendship.  No betrayal or disagreement.  It just shifted.  I’m a connected person [Connectedness!  I just remembered – that’s another one of my StrengthsFinder themes!] and will hang onto a friendship, trying to stay in touch and connected to those people in all times and despite distances.  When that connection isn’t reciprocated, I guess I become frustrated and sad.    
I know that I have changed too.  Maybe some of these friends don’t want to hang out with a pastor [I seriously – and sadly – wonder if this isn’t part of it …], or maybe they just have found more meaningful relationships in my absence.  But still, isn’t it the truth that even after you’ve been gone for so long, you expect to return to a home that was the same as when you left?  I suppose that’s what we hope for, yet know it can never be the case.  I guess I have two more months to adjust to this kind of home and make the most of it, connecting with those people who want to connect with me and filling my days with the things that bring me joy. 
Up next?  Party planning with Kim for a dog-themed birthday party.  I’m thinking these and cupcakes with fondant bones on top … I have a whole pinterest board assigned to this party and can’t wait to begin!  [For those who are curious: The party is not for an actual dog; I would not be a party planning fool for a dog’s party.  That’s weird, people.  It is for Kim’s husband, which I realize, does not sound any better.  Apparently Mike didn’t want a party dedicated to him so the party is dedicated to their yellow lab, Bella, while really, it’s for Mike.  There will be a bouncy house.]

dessert table deliciousness.

19 Jun
The rain held off, the people were fun, and – if I do say so myself – the dessert table was very well received.
My baby for the last month and my excuse to abuse pinterest was the dessert table at the sister’s graduation party.  
The dessert table – in lieu of a cake – consisted of chocolate, lemon, and funfetti cake pops on red/white striped paper straws, salted caramel bars, raspberry bars, an assortment of cookies, scotcheroos, and my Aunt Jean’s famous zebra bars.  Oh, and mini yellow cupcakes with piped buttercream frosting.  Not all were made by me – oh heaven’s no.  Family pitched in and made the dessert table what it was.  
The tablecloths were red and large white/red paper dots were punched and scattered.  Platters were mostly from the dollar store – seriously.  I bought a candlestick ($1) and a real plate ($1), used special adhesive [I do love a good adhesive.], and made cake platters.  We bought paper lanterns and made a few paper flowers with tissue paper/newspaper, and fashioned a large hanging centerpiece.  It was fun.  There are also extra cakepops; you should come over.

the things I thought yesterday –

17 Jun
I miss Brent.  [I got my hair cut by a new person and it just wasn’t the same.  She didn’t dry the inside of  my ears or brush off my back when I was done.  The haircut itself is sketchy; stay posted.]
My sister was a darn cute baby.  [We put up photos for the grad party yesterday.  Never mind the fact that we looked a lot alike as children.  This leads to picture confusion; we’re often told apart only by the color of the carpet in the background, the clothing being worn, or the hairstyle of the person holding us.]
I need a red stole!  A set of stoles!  And an alb … and a cleric … [so unprepared and so do not know what happens next or what I need to do]
I love my cousins.  [Sam and Molly came out to help with housework yesterday.  They spread mulch like little troopers.]  Also, hammocks can entertain children for hours and children falling out of hammocks [if not hurt] is quite funny.  [That would be Sam who tried to jump backwards into the already swinging hammock that contained his sister.  He overshot the skinny gathered part of string and went straight over it and landed on his back on the grass under the hammock.  I can still play it over in my head – too funny.]
This graduation party is not a wedding reception.  [Wait.  That’s what my mother told me.  I was getting carried away.  It’s true.]
I wonder what my future craft room will look like …
Is a four-cup coffee make enough?
It’s strawberry season!  Plans to pick next week.
I wish I had guts like Skeeter in The Help; I kinda feel like I have her hair. [I finished this novel last night and was sad that it was over.  It also has made me wonder how I would act as a white woman in the south in the 1960s if that was my life; would I be a Skeeter or a Hilly?  It’s a scary thought for me; I fear I’d be one of the crowd.]

dessert tables.

15 Jun
A long while back, when I knew that I would be moving home for a portion of the summer and that Emma’s graduation party would be a big part of what I would do while home, I emailed my sister.  And I politely asked to be her party planner.
I get bored so easily.  I need a list of things to do.  [Even if those ‘things’ are clean the house or read a book.]  More than one day of nothing drives me nuts and, without living in a community with friends and the Cities as my disposal, I knew I might go a bit stir crazy.  I worked hard to have things to occupy my time.
And so I quilt.  I’m engrossed in a new book.  I’ve become a bit addicted to Twitter and watch How I Met Your Mother on Lifetime.  [Pretty sure I’ve talked about that before.  That’s how much I’m now in love with that part of my day.  And NPH.]
I knew I would need a bit more on my schedule and thus I bid for the position of party planner.  Bid and won.  [After little struggle or convincing.  Shoulders shrugged and, “Eh.  Okay.”  I got the job.  I didn’t even have to supply a resume.]
My main assignment has been the desserts.  Since cakepops are the main attraction, I gained charge of the dessert table.  Pinterest being my main source of inspiration, here is what I’m thinking so far:
Source: etsy.com via Lindsay on Pinterest

photos from home.

14 Jun
This pile of gravel?  I moved it.  [It doesn’t look that big from this angle but it really was.  Or I’m just really good at complaining.]

Were there foods you ate together as a kid or foods you eat together now that are a bit … strange?  One night, while at Joel and Melissa’s hanging out, I was reminded of how I used to love Cheetos in applesauce.  A moving home gift from J&M?  Cheetos and applesauce.  It’s still just as good as I remember.

Look at this cute kid!  This be Gavin, the son of my high school friend, Krissy.  Just climbing on the table.

It’s the Peppermint forest, a la Candy Land on this kitchen table.  It’s cakepop construction for the graduation party.  Edgerton’s colors are red and white and this straws I found at the Bibelot in St.Paul make perfect sticks.  Two hundred down today and four cakes left to do tomorrow.  

More red and white on my sewing table.  Garland central.  [And a few epic dance party glasses for smiles.]

favorite things.

5 Jun
Today I did a lot of my favorite things.  [incredibly narcissistic post follows this point.  you’re warned.]
I finished this cake by mixing the frosting and assembling the cake rounds I baked last night.  It was the post-cousin-and-sister-graduation cake.  Enjoyed by all.
I watched my baby sister and cousin graduate and receive their high school diplomas.  [Not that watching people graduate is a favorite thing.  It probably doesn’t happen enough to be a favorite thing but it certainly was a highlight once we moved past the cliches in the commencement addresses.]

I laid in the hammock and read.  Current read: The Help.  I’m intrigued and will continue reading at a reasonable speed.
I made cakepop bites with Molly.  She’s currently the vice-president of her fifth grade class and wanted to treat her classmates.
I began a new quilt.  Complete design and approach to be yet determined.  Circles – a new quilting adventure for me – formed with freezer paper are stacked on the ironing board.  
Good day and good night.  [Only to wake tomorrow to my mom’s list of putting down landscaping fabric, laying rock and mulch, scraping paint, and cleaning the kitchen.  Game on.]

a quilting mystery.

4 Jun
Our house is a busy place.  I moved in a few days ago, my sister graduates tomorrow, and a graduation party is slated for two weeks from today.  Just for kicks and because my mom isn’t busy enough already, let’s throw hosting an auction on the calendar.  My mom is looking to downsize a lot of antique furniture, collectables, and the family is throwing in some other odds and ends.  [You know, tractors, an old car, and guns.  Yes.  Guns.]  The auctioneers visited this morning to makes lists, take photos, and get things in order for the end of July.  That meant that last night I was helping Mom carry, organize, and find treasures in the basement.  
There has been a lot of “Lindsay, do you want this or should I sell this?” going on in the process.  I’ve inherited a bed set that once was my Grandpa’s when he was a kid, living room furniture, and a rocking chair that was given to my mom by her grandma [or something like that].  And then last night, we uncovered a quilt mystery.  
My mom and dad used to go to lots of auctions themselves and, in addition to buying furniture, my mom would buy antique quilts.  Sometimes, there would be unfinished quilts or quilt squares.  Old, antiquey quilt squares. We came across some quilt pieces last night.  “Lindsay, do you want these or should I sell them?”  Heck yes!

These quilt pieces are awesome – yellow and orange – and far more intricate than I would ever make squares.  I think they are super cool and old looking, and I would love to make them into a quilt.  [Especially since the hard, delicate work is already done!]  There was also an envelope with the quilt pattern … or such.  The pattern doesn’t have all pieces accounted for so I guess I design the quilt how I want.  But, as I ironed them last night, stains began to show, especially on the orange.  And then I began to wonder how I would ever sew them together without the points of the triangles [particularly in the long rectangular pieces] being lost in the seam.  Is it worth it to try and sew it together, now with the stains that appeared? [Please tell me yes!]  And if so, how?  Help, quilters, help!
[I’m actually quite uncertain that anyone who reads this quilts.  But humor me just this once?]

I’m home!

3 Jun
I made it home Wednesday night, after breakfast at the Finnish Bistro with my college roommate, Amanda, and her husband, Joe.  I arrived home at eight and unpacked, unpacked, unpacked.  What I don’t need is being stored in my brother’s closet [he doesn’t need it since he’s in alaska placing second in ski/bike/kayak/run races with his girlfriend]; the things I do need have been put away and organized in my bedroom.  It’s starting to feel like I live here again.

Just to clue you, my blog friends, in, here is the place I will be blogging from for the next month, maybe two.  This is “home,” or at least has been since I was sixteen and we built/moved down the road from the farm.  You can picture me in the left upstairs window, blogging to you.  [Actually, don’t picture that.  Creepy.]

Since I’ve arrived home and settled in, you may wonder how I’ve been spending my time.  [Or maybe you don’t really care.  If that is the case, I advise you to stop reading now.]  Unpacking and organizing took its fair amount of yesterday.  I have also baked four cakes [in anticipation of graduation party cakepops], cleaned the house, mopped the porch, went grocery shopping, cooked evening meals, a couple loads of laundry, bought fabric for a summer quilt [oxymoron?] and discovered that the tv show How I Met Your Mother is on Lifetime at least three times a day.  I may begin to plan my days around it.
I also hung up my hammock this afternoon and may or may not have taken a brief power nap as the wind [we live on a hill.  it’s always windy here.] rocked me to sleep.  I plan on spending a bit of time in the hammock tomorrow, beginning a new book.  [The Help is next on my list and it’s already loaded on my kindle after a recommendation and seeing the preview for the movie to be released soon.]
While I do find myself missing my friends and the Cities life and while my last long list was about what I would miss in St.Paul, here is a beginning list of the current joys of being home:
1. Four country music radio presets in my car.  [compared to a measly one in the Cities]
2. My mom pays for the groceries.
3. Campfires.  [My sister and I successfully started one the other night.]
4. Hammock.
5. No noisy neighbors/noisy parking lot/noisy children. [quiet!]
6. A house = space and open window air flow.
7. Satellite television.
8. Family adventures. [already been shopping with Miss Molly … always an adventure with that fifth grade cousin!]
9. I spend less money.  [no Starbucks drive-thru nearby, no happy hour with friends, etc.]

moving again.

1 Jun

Moving.  The story of my life.

I’m taking a packing break.  My room is nearly empty, yet still amazingly messy.  My collection of kitchen goods have been packed up and sent home.  Things of mine still hang on the living room wall, but I fear they may not actually fit in my car.  The car is already nearly filled to the brim, and there’s still more.  If this quart ziploc bag filled with fridge magnets is any indication or if it is in any way proportionate to my other belongings, I have too much stuff.  Ugh.  [Like my “chillin’ with my gnomies” magnet?  I have two – orange and blue.  Favorites.]

I went out with friends last night.  For the last time.  Because I move today.  Today.  There was clinking of glasses, laughing, and hugs galore.  As I said goodbye to each friend, I couldn’t quite do it without a “See you soon!” attached.  And actually, with lots of my friends, that is the case.  I’ll be back to Luther in a few weeks for a friend’s ordination on campus [and to take home the rest of my things].  Joel, Melissa, and I have plans for a Noah’s Ark day [Noah’s Ark.  America’s largest waterpark.  WI Dells.], coupled maybe with a sleepover at the cabin.  There are other ordinations, the Cities are close, and roadtrips to friends’ new places.
But be warned, faithful blog reader.  As I return to live at home, the blog always seems to suffer.  Wireless internet in our house we have not, and to blog on our home desktop is not convenient.  [#macsnobbery]  Stay patiently tuned for my summer adventures in completing the to-do lists my mom gives me, macaron attempts, and party planning for Emma’s graduation but likely not everyday updates.  Thanks for sticking with me, friend.

comparisons.

14 May
I constantly compare myself to others.  I know I shouldn’t.  I know that I am me and you are you and our paths through life are different and that’s how it is meant to be.  But I still make the side-by-side lists in my head, comparing pros and cons, good and bad.
Right now my lists consist of comparing myself to classmates regarding calls.  Many of my friends have calls to churches post-graduation.  Many are planning ordinations.  Many know what their summer will look like.  I am incredibly happy for these friends – really, I am! – but I don’t have a call, I’m not planning an ordination, and I know only what my June will look like.  My comparisons have me feeling pretty low.
I had an impending sense of doom throughout all of Thursday.  You know those days when you feel like something is just going to go wrong?  The pit in my stomach warned me that something wasn’t quite right.  I called the synod of my assignment to see what they knew about the church where I had interviewed, since it had been nearly two weeks and I’d heard nothing.  The synod knew that the church liked me – they are not releasing me as a candidate – but they also want to interview more people.  I still feel pretty emotional about the news; in summary, the news kinda sucked.
I know that I am called to be a pastor and that I do well in this vocation.  I know that there will be a church that wants me and that calls me but for now, I feel a bit like a failure.  Again, in comparing myself with others who are called and have dates on the calendar to be ordained and to move and to begin working, I’m behind.  If we continue to compare this process to dating, I feel rejected.  [Ah, yes.  Know that feeling well.]
I’ve been in this place before, with my negative thoughts and illicit comparisons, but I refuse to let them infiltrate all facets of my life.  Yeah, Thursday was a pretty down day [blogger being down helped none.] but things have looked up since then.  I have two finals left to complete by Monday and many opportunities to be social beside.  After that, time will be filled with craftiness, packing, and general playing and merriment.  I know I move home for June and if June turns into June and July, maybe that will give me the chance to start my Etsy store or explore reading, running, and crafting at length.  Maybe I could look for a fun-to-me part-time job or consider visiting long-lost friends in WA and IN and MI.  Maybe I’ll stop comparing myself to others too, and enjoy this unique journey as my own and one that needs to be no one else’s.  
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