church lady.

6 Apr
I went at Cabela’s tonight because Mabel needs some sort of boundary control, most likely in the form of pain.  She runs off a lot these days – if I give her the chance – and it’s frustrating.  I say naughty words.  So I talked to Duane a lot about my options at the store.  If I have any further questions, I’m supposed to call and ask for him.  “Just tell me you’re the church lady.  I’ll remember.”
This church lady also got her hair cut in the Cities this evening.  Her name is Tiffany and I think we’re in a [hair dresser – head of hair] relationship now.  She gave me duck clips.  The feelings are obviously real.
Remember how yesterday this church lady received a lawn mower tutorial from Bob?  [It’s a thing.]  Today, I tried to start the mower and it didn’t work.  I feel so incompetent and helpless when it comes to mechanical things.  Read more about the lawnmower and my feelings here.
This church lady got home late from the escapades in the Cities … and the lawn was mowed.  I figure there are a few options behind it –
1. The mower started just fine when Bob stopped by to look at it and then he felt sorry for the pathetic girl who couldn’t do it herself.  If so, I’m embarrassed.  Completely.
2. The mower battery needed jumping.  Bob did so and had to run the engine.  So he mowed.  If so, I feel guilty that he did the whole lawn.
3. Bob mowed and thinks his pastor is a pathetic church lady who can’t start a mower or do anything mechanical.  If so, I feel totally stupid.
The pessimist in me bets on one and three.  Chances of me turning beet red the next time I see Bob?  Very high.  I’ll never live this down.  I feel like I should bake him cookies.  Or use my magic wand to erase his memory of it.  Maybe both.

maundy mishaps.

6 Apr
Yesterday was Maundy Thursday, the first of the three holy days leading to Easter morning and the empty tomb.  It was a day of Maundy mishaps for me.
Let’s start at the beginning.  Mabel, being ridiculous and putting her whole 90 pounds into trying to get out the door first, shoved me and the door yesterday morning.  The door went right over the big toe.  Toe nail bent back.  Ouch.
I go to the office.  As I walk across the parking lot, a mysterious woman wearing bunny ears is going to her car.  [It’s not a joke.  I did, however, figure out who she is – a friend of my admin assistant.  She brought us Easter treats … as an Easter bunny does.]  I polish my Thursday night message, Marilyn and I have coffee, and the Easter bulletins are printed.  Good, productive stuff.
I changed the sign boards at the church – the first time since I arrived seven months ago.  I stare at the south one every time I walk across the parking lot and was so ready for it to not say, “Pray always” about six and a half months ago but never changed it.  I did yesterday … to “God loves his peeps.”  [With a clarifying statement of “his people” to amend the “peeps” for those who do not speak slang fluently, ie most of my congregation.]  [I also try to be as gender neutral as I can while referring to God but, well, God loves God’s peeps just didn’t have the same ring, and writing God loves her peeps might not have gone over so well with my peeps here.]  I changed one side and then went to the other to take down the command to “Be joyful!” [Seriously.  The sign would yell at you to be joyful.  Not a great way to make friends, sign.]  But then I ran out of Ps.  “God loves his … pees?”  We altered an R to a P and all was well with the world.
Then I set to line a bulletin board in the hallway with fabric.  [Why, on the Thursday before Easter, was I worried about a bulletin board?  Because that’s how I work.  I’m most productive at getting weird tasks done when larger ones loom in the near future.]  I tried to look at the back of the board, wondering the best way to cover it.  The large bulletin board fell.  I bled my own blood.  I did consider it a small accomplishment that I didn’t swear when it fell since Marilyn was just across the hall.  Score one for Lindsay.
Communion visit.
Lawn mower tutorial by Bob.  [It’s a thing.]
Lastly, last night was our Maundy Thursday worship service.  It actually was quite awesome.  I’ve been meeting with three fourth graders about communion and last night they had their first communion.  It was so fun to watch them come to the altar rail with their families and to see them as they experienced it for the first time.  We talked about how gathering at the table is important and a gift, and how each of us have a place.
Maundy Thursday service ended with the reading of Psalm 22 and the stripping of the altar.  I read the psalm from the lectern as the altar women stripped [the altar].  I’m standing there, reading, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” leaning on the heels of my shoes, as I normally do and shouldn’t, and suddenly my heel is gone.  First thought in my head is that my heel broke through the lectern platform and there is now a hole in the carpet.  Really, not a rational thought at all but you stand in front of a congregation reading a psalm with a suddenly broken heel and see what comes to your mind.  I realized then that indeed, my heel was broken, but actually, in the middle of reading, tried to bring my foot up so my free hand could check out the damage.  Again, not rational.  But that’s what happened.  The grace given to me was that Maundy Thursday is a service that ends in silence and I didn’t not need to walk out in any hurry or in front of the congregation.  I sat up front until most of them had already filed out.
Then I limped out, a perfect end to a maundy of mishaps.

new messages.

4 Apr
On my home phone answering machine –

First message:
[elderly man’s voice]
Hi Jane.  This is Bigalow.  The Detroit Tigers are playing the Mud Hens in an exposition game and Detroit was winning 8 to 1.
I just wondered how you all were doing.
Okay.  Buh bye.
[distantly, not into the phone] I’m sure I got the right one.
Second message:
[distantly, not into the phone] I think I had the wrong one …
[… and this isn’t the first time he’s called.  You’d think my machine saying ‘Hey, this is Lindsay’ would give him a hint.]

banff if you do, banff if you don’t.

3 Apr
Live with Kelly [a tv show which somehow gains my attention many mornings, especially if Josh Groban is cohosting – he’s delightful] is in Banff, Alberta, Canada this week.  #jealous.
Then I received in my inbox a groupon getaways email [which I really just ought to unsubscribe from because all I want to do is go on every single one of their getaways].  There was a Canadian Rockies 11-day tour.  #sigh.
I want to go back to there.
Canadian Rockies – seriously breathtaking.  Banff – seriously touristy and expensive but fun for a day.  I looked into staying in/near Banff on my trans-Canadian excursion to Alaska this past summer and that was a no-go.  [To say it’s expensive is the understatement of the year.]  But oh – to have the time to go hiking and canoeing and exploring in the Canadian Rockies?  I want.
Oh, how I want to go again.  Oh, how I want to go anywhere.  Let’s face it – how much of this is wanting to go to Banff because it’s all up in my face this week?  OR how much of this is wanting to simply get on a plane and escape the chaos and crazy of church in holy week?
I’m going to go with a whole lot of one and a whole lot of the other.

Lake Louise

glacial lake

early morning banff.

new goal.

2 Apr
Flirt with the parking ramp guy at Mayo in Rochester.
I’ve been back and forth to St.Mary’s a lot in the last weeks.  Lots of people in the hospital for long periods of time.  It’s about an hour drive there; another hour back.  [huh. funny how that works.]  On the way there, I typically blast music and lose myself in the cornfields.  [not literally.]  On the way back, I write blog posts in my head.  But I digress.
Parking ramp guy.  St. Mary’s.  Flirt.  Right.
The last couple times I’ve been to the hospital, it’s been the same guy working in the booth where I hand over my ticket and he presses the magic button that raises the possessive arm so I can leave.  He’s in his 20s [I don’t trust myself to single it out any further than that.] and wears his little parking ramp vest.  Oh, the vest.  I’m not saying I really like him or anything; I’m just saying it might make going to Rochester a little more of adventure.  
Today I pulled up and he said, “Hey.  How’s it going?”  It was no how you doin’ all Joey style but it was the most we’ve ever spoken.  [whoa.  is that a sign?  #thingswomensay]  I do wonder if I can use Friends as my basis for flirting.  Phoebe, the masseuse, feet flirts with a client.  She knows that as she is giving him a massage, the only part of her body he sees is her feet.  She paints her nails, wears toe rings, etc.  She’s smart.
So let’s think about this – how does one car flirt?  I could write flirty messages on my parking ramp ticket but that seems a little much.  Display my gnomes more prominently on my dash?  That’s probably a little creepy and very much like voluntarily flying a giant red flag for him to see.   And that’s it. I’m out of ideas.  I guess mr.parking-ramp-attendant and I aren’t meant to be together.  [not that I ever thought we were.]
For hopeless.  [you don’t even know the half of the for hopeless.]
I hope you realize this is all an incredibly long and drawn-out joke.  Pastor Lindsay doesn’t flirt.  psssh.  Don’t be so silly.  
But if you have any more ideas for brilliant car flirting in a thirty second window of time, let me know. Really.  It will be a great social experiment.

in photos.

31 Mar
I began my day by sleeping in.  Then I drank coffee, watched that John Cusack 80’s classic Say Anything  (I think John is just behind Matt on my list of favorite actors.) whilst trying my hardest at the New York crossword puzzle.  [I’ve started subscribing to magazines and I’ve decided that I’m happier and more informed because of it.  I love opening the mailbox to find TimeReal Simple, and New York. Also just subscribed to Minnesota Monthly.  Now I just need to hold out for an ipad so I can read them digitally and not kill more trees.]  I wrote my little mini sermon for tomorrow and I feel I’m ready for worship.  I plan to quilt, cook a nice dinner, and be in bed early tonight.  It’s a good day.  What else is going on in life?  I’m so glad you asked.
This was left on my desk left Sunday.  The rumor is out – I want to learn to garden.  Pressure is on but at least sisters Anna and Lacey are on my side.  Anna is, oh, probably six and Lacey is the three year old who loves pink and shyly says, “Hi, Pastor.” over and over when I’m around.

Last night was part two of first communion instruction.  We ate together with their families, baked communion bread, and played a first communion game show to test their knowledge [kids vs. parents]. These kids are great – seriously great.  I wish my job was to work with them all the time!
Remember this device?  I use it to cut the bottoms off eggs.  I empty them, sterilize them by boiling, and on Thursday I dyed them.  Next step: coat inside with chocolate, fill with candy and viola – homemade kinder eggs.  [Also, the egg topper device was featured here, on this blog which I gather is written, in part, by Pastor Clint, the former pastor at my home congregation.  I’ll be honest – I’m not sure I understand much more than that.]

Dear Isabelle,

27 Mar
I know we haven’t met but I wanted to thank you.  When I got home after a morning of Holy Week worship planning with jD at the local lunch cafe in Blooming and heard your message on my home answering machine, I was so happy.  I told you that you were the bright spot in my day!  It was no lie.
I called you back right away.  I had just heated up my turkey taco chili from the freezer and I just left it sit in the microwave.  Soup wasn’t important.  Calling you was my first priority.
Then, on the phone, you were so kind and helpful.  We set up an appointment and you shared that charming story about how it all came to be.  Daniel, your boss, told you to call the pastor at Red Oak Grove.  What’s his name? you asked in reply.  Her name, said Daniel.  And then we both chuckled on the phone like old friends.
I don’t know that we’ll actually ever meet.  Heck, I don’t even know your last name.  But the fact that it was you who set up the appointment for Red Oak Grove puts you on the good list in my book.  Thank you, Isabelle, for calling me and scheduling that magical time when Daniel will come to the church and parsonage on Wednesday, April 11th to install internet.  It’s been a long time coming and I thank you.
Forever yours,
Pastor Lindsay

what’s this?

25 Mar

Mickey Mouse ears?
A medieval torture device?
Finger snatchers?
Punishment for when Mabel misbehaves?
It’s an egg topper and when I saw it at Crate and Barrel yesterday, I knew I needed it.  [Needed being the word naturally in question.]  What do I need it for?
You’ll see.

a baby quilt.

24 Mar

I attended a wonderful baby shower of cute in the cities today for dear friend Lauren.  [A cute bird theme.  Delicious food and we cleansed our palettes between courses.  My palette has never before been cleansed at a party.  I felt classy.]  Lauren and jD are due to have a baby join their family in May.  It’s super exciting; plus it gave me reason to make a quilt.  I finished this brightly-colored scrappy-fabric polka dotted piece on Thursday night and I was thrilled with how it turned out.  My quilting skills have grown with practice and I think this is the best quilt I’ve made – quality and skill – since I began quilting a couple years ago.  I followed this online tutorial and – for the very first time – free form quilted.  I loved the process, the result, and the texture of the finished product.  I hope it gets dirty and ratty and thrown in the washer lots because it’s put to use!  Here’s also hoping I can start in on another baby quilt soon as close seminary friends currently undergo the IVF process!  Babies, babies everywhere!

[Dear Dawson peeps,
Need further proof that it’s a small world?  Also attending the baby shower was Paren, the current artist-in-residence at the Dawson Elementary School!  We chatted about the Olympics unit.  How fun!  There is just something about that town that constantly connects me and tugs at my heart!] 

nursery art.

23 Mar

This post is brought to you by the artwork in one church nursery …

… yeah …