a post written monday.

14 Sep

Sunday was good.  Worship went well.  Mom and Emma were here.  I put together some IKEA furniture and continued to settle into the house.  I read a lot, now being hooked on The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.  [A note added Wednesday: I have since finished said book.  Super confused about the ending?  Anyone else?]  I had dinner and a late night of laughing at jD and Lauren’s house with Paige.
Oh, how things change.  Today I feel like I can’t keep my head above water.  [Another note from Wednesday: Tuesday was no different.]  I feel like so much of my time in the office is wasted by solicitors and simply clearing off my desk so more mail that needs to be sorted can be put on top of it.  [I answered a phone call and was told that I had to serve time in jail by the March of Dimes.  I would have to raise bail in the amount of $1000 and serve an hour of time.  Um, I’m not comfortable doing that in my second week here?]  We still have no internet so my list, entitled “Upon internet,” keeps growing.  [Rumor has it we’re on a waiting list to get it too!  A waiting list?  What the face.]  I have two sermons to write this week and had a really strange conversation with a person, which I’m afraid I did not handle well at all.  I don’t know what to expect for the first council meeting tonight.  I have more questions than I know what to do with, and still very little clue of who to even ask half of the stuff.  Today is not a good day.  I’m treading water but my legs are growing tired.
I’ve drank too much coffee and not enough water; my hands are shaking.  I want to retreat to my house and just breakdown [sometimes that simply needs to happen] but my house is currently unavailable.  [A new back door is being installed.]  And so I ran away to a place in Austin with internet.*  It was in the plans for the day to begin with but now it’s serving not only as Lindsay-needs-internet time but Lindsay-needs-a-time-out time.  It’s on days like this that I question my ability as an administrator.  I love doing ministry – totally and completely.  I wish I could do ministry without worrying about a budget to balance, internet issues, and going to a million different meetings every week.  I suppose the challenge at hand is to learn to do ministry through those tasks; wish me luck.
* I wrote this before I ran away in search of internet.  What did I find upon arriving in the magical land where wireless exists, aka a coffee shop?  That the entire city of Austin had lost power.   No internet for Lindsay; no internet for anyone.  This land was not magical at all.  

a sunday scare.

14 Sep

I sat in my office, alone at church following Sunday morning worship.  I sat there with this lifeless thing in my hands.  It felt heavy with doom.  
No movement.  
Stillness.
My iphone suddenly shut off and wouldn’t turn back on. 
I thought my baby was lost forever.
I didn’t have internet so I couldn’t look up fix-it possibilities or call a fellow iphone owner because their phone numbers were stored on the phone.  I didn’t know what to do.   I felt hopeless.
I drove to Austin and the whole way was close to tears.  What if my super expensive phone that I love and on which I depend just decided to not work anymore?  I can’t afford a new one, but yet, I can’t live without it.  My life is tied to this inanimate object.  It may be pathetic but it’s also our time and culture.  Look it up.
To the Verizon store I went.  I walked in and paused in the doorway.  I had entered some alternative universe – all the employees were wearing Viking jerseys.  [I’m not one to get too into football but this was downright repulsive to see.]  I learned that my fix was a “hard restart,” a la pressing and holding both buttons at once.  Pretty sure mr.verizon man thought I was a pretty dumb lady in a cleric.  [I didn’t have time to change before I left.   This was an emergency!]  But hey, now I know how to fix it if my lifeline becomes lifeless again.

A Sunday post on Wednesday.

14 Sep

First, from the rooftops and from the parsonage, I will yell, “I HAVE INTERNET!”  Thanks to the suggestion of Crystal at Verizon Wireless, I charged an extra $20 to my phone bill [*under breath* my brother’s phone bill] in order to turn my iphone into a wifi hotspot.  $20 will well be worth the saving of my sanity.  Now begins the seven million blog posts I’ve written in Word in the past week.  Check back often – I’m staggering their posting to keep you in suspense.  First, a post about my first Sunday at Red Oak Grove –
Sunday, during worship, was not the first time a child ran amock during a children’s sermon I led.  It wasn’t the first time an organist and I mis-communicated and played/talked at the same time.   It was not the first time I led worship alone. 
Sunday was, however, the first time I have ever been able to say, in the confession and forgiveness at the beginning of worship, “as a called and ordained minister of the church of Christ.”  It was the first time I wore a stole while leading worship.  [Green – thanks, Grace!]  It was the first time I led worship at Red Oak Grove Lutheran Church.
And it was good.  I learned a lot more names, shook a lot more hands, and made a lot more connections.  [Including a woman who belongs to and is very involved in Tanzania missions at Trinity in Stillwater – the congregation at which I worked for nearly three years.  Turns out she was baptized at ROG – it was fun to talk with her!]  During coffee hour each Sunday, birthdays and anniversaries of that week are recognized.  The pastor rings a bell to get everyone’s attention and happy birthday/happy anniversary songs are sung.  Every week, one member of the congregation, who is handicapped, raises her hand in response to “Anyone have birthdays this week?” with a “MEEEE!”   Every week.  [I feel like there is more of a story there with some giant dose of community and grace.  I’ll keep investigating and will report back at a later date.] 
I feel like some of the compliments and graciousness was due to the honeymoon we’re currently on.  It’s the honeymoon period of the church and I.  As a number two on the enneagram, I feel like they were sitting in the pews, judging me and what I was saying and how I was doing it.  [That’s probably not even the two in me.  That’s just honest truth.]  Even though they shook my hand enthusiastically, I can’t help but wonder what they really think.  You know, how they really feel about this new pastor of theirs who desperately needs a haircut.  [Seriously.]

I forgot to mention –

9 Sep
I’m still internet-less at home and at church so regular posting will still be on hold.  [And get this – we likely won’t have internet for another week!  Thank goodness for my iphone.  Without it, I’d be insane right about now.]  I post now from the Austin Public Library.  I think I’m in love – not with the red head who is a few tables behind me but with the library as a whole.  I think in my next life I want to be a librarian and be constantly surrounded by books.
I’m at a table that overlooks Mill Pond, a table with my very own surge protector and lamp.  There is free wi-fi and watch me sign up for a library card so I can check out dvds.  [I have never taken much advantage of public libraries and only recently have I realized what a shame that is.  Libraries have tons of dvds to rent and – wait for it – they’re free.  I scoped out the section at this library before I sat down and see they have lots of tv shows on dvd.  Which one should I begin?]
I have a sermon to finish.  My mom and sister arrive tomorrow around lunch time and hopes are that I won’t need to work on it while they are here.  [We have shopping to do and picture frames to hang!]  I think this library may easily become a favorite spot of mine.

so far.

9 Sep
Since we last met, things have been crazy and calm, both awesome and overwhelming.  I spent Wednesday and Thursday mainly in the office, getting a handle on a few more things, meeting the people who stopped by, and going to a WELCA meeting.  I met jD for lunch at The Roost Cafe in Blooming Prairie [owned by Beth, a self-labeled liberal Catholic, who is all around pretty awesome] and received a tour of the care center in Blooming, where a handful of ROG [Red Oak Grove] members live.  I started to work on the sermon for Sunday, and waded my way through worship planning using the green book.  [The green book is secret Lutheran code for the green hymnal that sits in church pews.  There is also an updated cranberry book – the latest Lutheran hymnal.  We do not have this in our pews.]  I visited a few members, gave the custodian more work to do [I kinda broke my office window.], and dined with the Dorcas circle at church last night.  I’ve kept busy.
Things are good.  People seem excited that I’m here and their pastor.  I received only one comment so far about my age.  [I was meeting ladies at the WELCA meeting, shaking their hands and introducing myself as they went through the line for lunch.  One woman shook my hand, not entirely sure who in the world I was or what I was doing until I said, “I’m Pastor Lindsay.”  “Oh, I wasn’t expecting someone so young!”]  I met two ladies at the independent/assisted living section of the care center yesterday, one of whom knew about me and of my friendship with jD.  You see, she’s the oldest living life-long member of ROG [not to be confused with the oldest member of ROG who is not a life-long member and married into the congregation] and she’s bff’s with the oldest member of one of jD’s church.  They talk on the phone every night, apparently about their pastors and who knows what else.  Oh for cute.  I love stories like that and women who talk on the phone with their best friends every night.
Between those visits and the opportunity to dine with and participate in Bible study with the Dorcas circle last night, I’m reminded why I do this.  It’s in times like those that the questions of what the heck am I doing?! and is this really right for me? disappear.  Here’s hoping Sunday morning is another one of those times.  You know me and worship leadership – nervous nelly.  We’ll see how this goes!

to work.

6 Sep
Today I went to the office.  [I walked across the parking lot.]
I was the tiniest bit terrified about it.  Nay – I was absolutely terrified.  and nervous.  and unsure.  
I caught up with the administrative assistant – Marilyn – and then set to work on my office.  The way it was set up made it look like the place where furniture went to die – a mix of different pieces in an odd combination.  I wasn’t quite sure how to make it functional and spatially attractive to me so I simply started pushing desks in different places, and by golly gee, I’m really happy with how it turned out.  I hope to get some lighter paint on the walls and have the blinds on the big window repaired so I can have as much natural light as possible.  Books, gnomes, and office supplies were moved in and I love the result.  Here I can write a sermon or meet with a couple for pre-marital.  I can assemble various projects at a work table [hidden behind the door] and use either my macbook [preferred] or the desktop [when needed]. 

After rearranging and unpacking, I tried to get a handle on a few things.  The result of this effort was a l.o.n.g. list of questions, a couple researched files, and a to-do list for the future.  I met with Brent, the council president for a brief period of time, talking about budget, the upcoming annual meeting, and the logistics of a cell phone for me.  I’ve only worked here for a day but I appreciate this man.  A lot.  He appears to be so involved, so genuine, and so strong a leader, which is exactly what a church needs in a transition like this.  
On the other side of things, I spoke to a certain colleague on the phone at three? four? different times today.  The main question I asked [and this colleague echoed] was this:
What in the world am I doing?
Not only what am I doing but why am I doing it?  I am perfectly certain that I’m called to be a pastor but really?  Really?  Is it normal to ask myself what in the world I’m doing every day?  every hour?  I know I love it; I really do.  I think beginnings are hard, especially when I have no clue where to begin.  I think that once I feel comfortable, feel like I have a handle on what’s going on, and feel like I not only know people but that people know me, I might ask this question less frequently.  But for now, each day, as I walk across that parking lot, I think I’ll question what in the world I’m doing and if it’s right.  
Basically, what I’m left with at the end of my first day is a lot of questions.  Lots of questions.  There is lingering fear and definite nerves about being THE pastor at this church.  The former pastor here ended his last newsletter article with something like, “May God bless you as you follow Pastor Lindsay and her leadership.”  My leadership?  I have leadership?  I’m the leader?  Lots of questions.  Lots of confidence needs to be relocated within myself.  Lots will happen and ultimately, despite the questions of what in the world I’m doing, I think this is the place for me.  
my office door with a greeting from pastor paige!

the internet and I meet again.

6 Sep
Hi.
I’m here!
But that doesn’t mean I have internet at my house or the church.  Let me rephrase –
I’m at Caribou!
It’s been too long and I need the connection … and to pay an online bill.
So, hey.  I moved to Austin!  As I mentioned last night in the mobile post [it was like writing the longest text of my life], congregation members graciously helped me move my life into my new home.  There were many points when I was embarassed at what they had to carry inside.  A. My dish tub of gnomes, topped off by the banana dog.  B. A pile of string.  [my hammock.  but they didn’t know.]  C. etc.  They were great and didn’t ask too many questions, nor did they ask me to leave on the spot.  They’ll learn I’m quirky.  It’s all part of my charm.  [Right?]  They left after getting me settled in with keys and a garage door opener, phone numbers on the fridge and requests to let them know if I need anything.  They’re taking good care of me.  
My family had to leave quite quickly after getting everything inside so I was left to unpack and bask in the square footage of a house that is far more than I currently need.  It’s wonderful.  I didn’t get too many boxes emptied before jD, Lauren, and Paige came over with pizza and beer.  I lack a kitchen table so we sat on the living floor and just talked about life, about how great it is that we are finally all together, and about Harry Potter robes.  Monday was more unpacking, shopping for the basics, and coffee with Mandy, Lori’s daughter who teaches and lives in Austin.  
Today, I went to the office.  [dramatic cue music]  More about that next.
No photos of my house yet – lo siento.  Know that the kitchen is a dream, the dining room is empty except for my gnomes that occupy the built-in curio cabinet [so serious], and the living room looks pretty pathetic too.  My craft room is coming together and my tiny upstairs bathroom is cute as a button.  My favorite thing about my house thus far?  No, not the freaky noises the ice maker makes at night.  I watch the sun rise over a corn field from my bedroom window [though I don’t always think this is so great at six in the morning] and watch it set over a corn field on the other side.  I’m surrounded by corn.   As long as I don’t think about the horror movies that take place in corn fields, I love it.
5 Sep

You may have seen my previos posts – the ones that were completely whacked out? That, my friends, is apparently what happens when you try mobile blogging via text message for the first time. Craziness, I tell you. Craziness! So now this is me mobile blogging in a different manner. It’s tedious, folks, so short this post will be. I arrived in Austin yesterday and a group of congregation members helped unload the uhaul and vehicles in a spiffy way. That’s when I learned that the parsonage nor the church has Internet currently. Hence lack of blog. When technology is back in our favor, expect more. For now know that I LOVE my house, I’m terrified to officially begin tomorrow in the office, and I’ve been lucky to be social both days I’ve lived here. (My seminary friends who live nearby came over last night with pizza and beer and today I had coffee with Lori-from-Dawson’s daughter who lives in Austin. It’s been great!). Hopefully this is more coherent than the nonsense posted earlier and now deleted (thanks, blogger) and you know my reason for being absent. Soon I hope to update you more on the beginnings of this crazy new journey! I love technology, but not as much as you, you see …

today’s realization.

2 Sep
Popcorn?  Check.
Beer?  Check.
Watching Tangled alone on a Friday night?  Check.
It was a day of packing, reflecting, and tweeting.  Now I’m kicking back to a Disney animated movie.
The best realization of the day?  
As I tried to plan how to do all the laundry possible before leaving on Sunday, I realized that for the first time I don’t need to frantically try and leave with all clean clothes.  When I move in a day, I will move to a house with a washer and dryer that do not require me to first insert quarters.  This girl is excited to finally live in a grown-up house!

stress relief.

1 Sep
I’ve decided that I do not carry stress well.  My hair is proof, though the humidity helped none today.  It wasn’t pretty, folks. [Come on, autumn, and arrive already.]  I see it in my hair, in my lack of any kind of facial expression, and feel it in my shoulders.  The knots hurt.
But enough complaining.  Things are looking up.  My grandpa volunteered to drive a U-Haul on Sunday – this relieves me of so much stress.  It will be great to get everything to Austin in one day.  Congregation members will be there to help unload and I’ll have my bed from day one.  [Plans to move gradually by car load over the course of the month of September make me want to cry.  This will be much better for the transition.] 
I had coffee with Banana Kay and met up with Banana Kim this afternoon before I make my move.  The coffee date at the local coffee shop was made even more interesting by the presence of that one person I emailed in July, asking him to be my friend.  I never told you but he eventually did respond.  To reject my offer.  *awkward turtle*  I guess I am creepy.  I wasn’t entirely sure it was him sitting behind me today but later discovered it was.  We said nothing to each other; actually, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t even know who I am so it’s okay.  
My mom and I went out to supper with Grandma and Grandpa – we had a date with the Cozy Inn in Janesville.  Guess what kind of cuisine the Cozy Inn serves.  Seriously.  Guess.
Chinese.  
Grandma and Grandpa have been going to the Cozy Inn for many years and wanted to make sure I had the experience before I moved.  The food was great and I received an intriguing fortune.  Okay, Cozy Inn, the longest-established-Chinese-restaurant-in-the-United-States-according-to-your-menu, I dare you to prove this fortune true. 

After supper, I received a gift.  Grandpa had gone shopping and picked something up for me from Farm and Fleet.  [It’s not Fleet Farm in this neck of the woods but has equally delicious orange slice candies.]   It’s become pretty standard that when people say, “I saw this and thought of you!,” the this is normally a gnome.  This is likely the largest gnome I now own and I think he will look most excellent on my front stoop.  [The people of Red Oak Grove and going to learn my quirkiness eventually; might as well begin crazy.] 
 Got a home for a gnome?  I always have a home for a gnome!  
That’s my new life motto.  I won’t be a crazy cat lady; I’ll be the crazy gnome lady.  Children will mock me and my friends will have to stage an intervention.  “Lindsay, we say this because we care about you.  Your gnomes are not real people.  Come back to us, back to the outside world.”  I’ll protest at first but then give in as they persist.  [But that doesn’t mean I won’t carry gnomes in my purse when I leave the house and whisper to them when I think no one is watching.]
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