I got better.

15 Feb
(on the phone with me mum)
Mom: How are you?
L : Alright.
Mom: That’s not what your blog says.
Oh.  Right.  The blog posting I wrote in crankiness and frustration last night, and then hit “Publish” with some sort of ‘stick-it-to-the-man’ attitude.
Thanks for reading, friends, and thanks to the many of you who commented, sent messages, and asked me how things were going.  You are all so wonderfully supportive and the way in which you support me is proof of the community that is built and grows through such a silly thing as a blog.  Blog.  The word is just funny to begin with … but in all seriousness and slightly as an aside, this blog has helped me form and maintain relationships in a weird but really cool way.  [As one who often struggles to let people into her life, it’s this crazy thing where you can learn about me and my life virtually; that somehow puts me at ease when face-to-face.  But enough about that for now.  Perhaps more in another blog post in the future.]  
As for today, what comes to mind is a favorite quote from Monty Python and the Holy Grail – said with a choppy British accent – “I got bet-tah.”  [See video clip at the end of the post to bring light to this quote if you’re unfamiliar.  Also, you should watch the clip if you would like to learn what else floats in water.  Spoiler alert: Churches and very small rocks.]
Today was a better day.  I won’t say that my confidence has completely been restored or my feet entirely steadied, but I think I might wear the yellow shoes tomorrow, Sabrina [see comment on previous post], to assert the unique feet that are my own/unique person that I am.
That is the truth – that each person is unique.  Even better – that’s the way God intends it.  [A lesson I love exploring with kids.  I should practice what I teach.]  I so easily get caught up in comparing myself to others that I forget to be myself and be content with who I am.  [Okay.  I can’t help it.  Another video clip that comes to mind.  Dawson peeps: Are you really surprised?  Hello, Joyce?]
I am a seminary student but I don’t consider myself an academic.  I’ll never teach at the college level, nor do I have any desire to work towards a doctorate.  That’s not me.  It’s not where my gifts are.  I love [nearly] all aspects of congregational ministry and despite the lack of confidence and momentary freak-outs [which I guess will only be more frequent as graduation grows near – I apologize in advance], this is what I’m called to do.  I learned that last year more than ever, but this year – returning to an academic environment which I feel is not my strength – it’s a struggle to remember that.  
It’s no joke when I say that I have Kendall’s [my internship supervisor] and my internship committee’s final evaluation paragraphs of my year propped upon my study table.  I think I need to be reminded – when I seem to lack the confidence and strength – that other people believe in these gifts I’ve been given and have witnessed my joy in ministry.  Perhaps when I’m called upon to explain my CYF thesis to a class of highly academic classmates, I need to forget the comparisons, and simply “do my best and forget the rest.”  [That’s what Tony Horton says.  Who knew P90x and seminary classes had anything in common?]  
In conclusion: Today was bet-tah.  And thanks, blog friends.
Enough rambling from me.  Now enjoy this:

Can I complain?

15 Feb
I realize there are probably more fruitful avenues for my time and for this blog, but can I complain?
[There is often critique of personal blogs – that they write only of lollipops and rainbows, and give the perception that the life behind the writer is swell.  You officially can no longer say that about my blog.  Also note, I write this not as a pity post.  But it’s where I am tonight.]
Mondays are my nine-hour day of class and we’ll just be honest – I’m mighty crabby at the end of the day that begins at 8am and ends at 9pm.  [If I were wise, I wouldn’t even be writing this right now.  I would be in bed … curing my crabbiness.]  Three three-hour long classes is just a lot on which to focus.  Three hour classes are no good for me to begin with; get me to the end of hour two, and I’m as good as gone.  That’s just a simple fact of Lindsay as a learner.  Multiplied by three plus little introvert Lindsay time and it’s best – at that point – that you don’t engage me in conversation.  Maybe even run in the opposite direction if you see me approaching? 
The kicker of the Monday classes – I feel dumb.  Totally and completely dumb.  Academic theology, Bible knowledge, theological frameworks – I don’t get it like my classmates do.  I never have understood it like others … but now I’m even tired of faking it.  Ask me to speak in class and it’s like the horrid movie – Dumb and Dumberer.  I’m so ready to be done with classes.  To be done with seminary.
Professors don’t notice me; why should they?  I don’t talk because I feel dumb.  [And I have nothing to say.  Literally – brain empty.]  I feel like I’m shoved to the back of my senior class.  I have friends who are called out and seen as leaders to take on special projects and have special relationships with professors.  I have a hard time thinking of even once that a staff member or professor saw me as a leader who could be given extra responsibility or tasks.  [Okay, one.  The Cooking Pastor video.]  I think this is the kicker – I have underlying fears that this will continue as I journey in the first call process.  I’m really not great at first impressions or even second impressions.  [I often joke that to know me is to love me, but to know me takes a long time.]  Will bishops of synods see me as incapable of leadership and not as capable of pastoring a church as my classmates are capable?  Will they see through my cover-up and realize I don’t know all that I should?
Deep down, I know I’m totally capable.  I can be a leader.  I know that I have practical, applicable knowledge and buckets of creativity to use.  But between meetings regarding first call assignment, two classes that made me feel dumb, and one class on women in ministry leadership, it has been a day of feeling insecure.  Of feeling unnoticed.  Internship gave me confidence in myself and in my ability to do ministry – confidence that I feel I’m losing.  Confidence that falters when I remember that next time I’m doing ministry in a congregation, it’s the real deal.  Can I actually do it?
I need to find my feet again and stand upon them firmly.
So if you see them, please let me know.
I’d like to locate them before I start making horrid first impressions to bishops who phone me on my mobile.

where for art thou Gnomeo?

13 Feb
In the course of the last month, I bet I’ve had at least a dozen people email me, post on my facebook, text me, or tell me in person about Gnomeo and Juliet, the animated movie that was released this past weekend to theaters.  I complain not, but just find it humorous how gnomes and Lindsay are forever connected.  I walked out of church today with Mark, the “dad” of my Stillwater family, and he asked if I saw the movie this weekend.  I said I did, gave him my one sentence review, and then he kinda laughed and told me I was doomed to have people connect me with gnomes for the rest of my life.
That’s probably a true story … but not a bad story.  Much of it is probably of my own doing.  (Um, this blog title?  Consistent visits to gnome park last year?  I was in a town where most were so accustomed to the gnomes that when I talked about them, I was laughed at and stuck out.)  My fault.  And that’s okay.
I saw Gnomeo and Juliet on Friday.  Opening night.  In 3D.  (I hate 3D, mainly because it’s more expensive and it can make me a tad sick to the stomach. I didn’t catch that detail when looking at movie times.  Why is everything coming out in 3D now?  urg.)  Three friends and I trekked to the theater and joined families, teenagers, and few-to-no people our own age for a tragic gnome love story.  I’ll be honest – I thought the first fifteen minutes or so weren’t so great.  But then the pink lawn flamingo showed up, a Banana computer, and funny little bunnies hopping all over the place made me laugh.  Probably not as funny as I had hoped, but the cute factor was consistently high.  I give the movie four gnome hats.  (Out of a possible five.  All with a slight bend in them, of course.)
Three favorite things from the movie experience: First, whenever gnomes touched, it made the clinky sound of ceramic hitting ceramic.  Giggle.  Second, the little girl behind us who kept saying, “They kissed!” over and over after Gnomeo and Juliet smooched.  Third, I would not be lying if I said I brought my red gnome hat to the theater.  I would, however, be lying if I said I wore it for longer than three seconds.  (Just long enough to prove to my friends – and those who sat in the immediate area around us – that I do, in fact, have a gnome hat.  Also proven here and here.)

cakepop madness.

12 Feb
I’ve talked about them before – cakepops.
Here they are again, in full force.
First, I sent conversation cakepop hearts to my mom and sister.  My sister wrote a thank you on my facebook wall, leading my dear cousin, Connor, to comment in this manner:
“Yeah, Lindsay, thanks for the cakepops, o wait.  I don’t think I got any.  I’m expecting them in a few days!  O by the way, chocolate on chocolate.  Thanks in advance.”

It doesn’t take much to make me feel bad and it takes little to force to me to make cakepops, so these were sent out early last week.  Cupcake bites.  For cute.  I sent them in an egg carton for shipping protection and added cute factors.  I told Connor he had to share with the rest of his family.  Share, he did, but not before eating seven of them himself.  That’s a lot of cakepop.  [Photos courtesy of my iPhone – an app with fun photo edits.]

More cakepop wonderfulness has ensued.  I’m on a team of seniors planning a dinner/party/worship for the evening of the 23rd – the night we receive our regional assignments.  I’m on the food committee with Kevin.  In addition to catering in Pizza Luce, we’ll be serving up cakepops.  

Today was the day the creating happened.  Well over two hundred cakepops – baked on Thursday, rolled on Friday, and dipped today.  Phew.  A crew of seven of us melted, dipped, sprinkled and wrapped.  I now have five galloon-sized ziploc bags of cakepops in my freezer, waiting for the night of the 23rd.  I don’t want to see another cakepop until then.

love and hate.

9 Feb
The buying of books for a semester of classes.  I love it and I hate it.
I love it because of my secret love affair with books.  I’m the girl who dreams of floor to ceiling bookshelves, and my favorite part of Beauty and the Beast was the library in the beginning.  I love the look of new, crisp books.  I’m filled with hope for the learning that is to be had and the experience each books invites.  They’re just pretty.  (And this is the gal who bought a kindle?  I don’t regret it – in the long run, I think it’s a good way for me to go.  But I still love a book book.)
I hate this purchase too.  I hate the cost.  I’m incredibly thankful that this is my last semester of hundreds of dollars in books.  This picture doesn’t cover all of it either – I have two classes that don’t start until the second half; I didn’t buy those books today.  I’m borrowing books for another class from a friend who had it last semester.    And let’s face it – they’re pretty on my shelf now but soon, as readings are assigned for classes, I’ll likely despise a few of them and probably fall asleep while reading.  

timeline.

8 Feb
Here’s the timeline:
Tomorrow: Begin my last semester of classes at seminary. [!!!]
February 19-22: A long president’s weekend in Arizona, visiting two college friends and seeking a warmer-upper.
February 23: Receive regional assignments at senior dinner.  Hopefully the region inside of the envelope will be a three or five.
[classes, blah, classes]
Following weeks: Contact from the bishop of the synod I’m assigned.
[classes, blah, classes]
May 29: Graduation!
[Sure.  A few more events will pop up within those times but those are the ones I’m currently anticipating!]

need a giggle?

7 Feb
“I’m speaking to you as we speak, from the now, in the middle of the now.”

Thanks to Cassie for this one.

I’m still here.

4 Feb
I haven’t blogged much this week.  Did you miss me?
I’m still here but feel I lack much blog-worthy.  (You think to yourself, ‘Well.  That has never stopped her before.’  True story.)
I could explain to you what I wonderful time I had staying with Aunt M., Uncle D., cousins Abbey and Riley last weekend.  We ordered in Chinese, they introduced me to Toddlers and Tiaras on TLC (my mouth was open in disbelief for the entire show), and we played board/card games all night.  
I could tell you about the two meals I’ve had at Muffuletta’s this week.  Muffuletta’s is just down the road from campus and so very delicious.  Once for a senior dinner (Dawson translation: supper) given by the alumni council and once for lunch (dinner) with my dear friend, Kate, who was visiting campus for convocation.  
I could share with you that I bought an iphone and it’s being shipped as I post.  I’m so very excited.  (And so very worried about the possible addiction that may follow.  I’ve already downloaded apps.)
I could tell you about the date night I had with my friend, Sara, last night.  We went back to the fabric warehouse and both cut bolts upon bolts of fabric for quilt tops.  Her first (yay!) and mine for Kari and Chris’ baby (a luther sem friend in WA).  I also bought my fabric to finish covering my wall … and gnome fabric.  No idea what I will do with it but it begged to come home with me.
I could update you on that long to-do list I made for myself for this week off of class.  The easy things are finished and only the difficult tasks remain.  I work on my final history exam as we speak (rather I’ll continue to work following this post) and need to think about thesis topics seriously.  And that whole project etsy … still scared.  But the wheels are still turning.

Hey, the Packers are in the Superbowl.  There’s going to be a party at my apartment, thrown by my roomie and I.  You should come.  

hello jbreak.

31 Jan
The week will be short and the to-do list is long but it’s off to a good start.

I slightly followed/slightly altered this scone recipe this morning, adding blueberries, lemon zest and toasted almonds with almond milk instead of cream.  Next to coffee in my mustache mug (Thanks, Cassie!) and this Monday is okay by me.

snowshoeing.

29 Jan
My January class was over [as of yesterday morning].  
The temperature outside was 30 degrees.  
I had an afternoon free and was ready for a new adventure.
proof.
I went snowshoeing yesterday with four classmates.  I was worried it might be yet another disaster – that’s what happens when Lindsay tries new winter sports.  Disasters.  (I’m still embarrassed about this ski outing a year ago.  *shaking head*)  For this outing, I remained on my two feet the entire time; in fact, Joel was the only one to hit the ground, and I think most of those falls were intentional.  And it was super fun.  I’ll be watching the end-of-season clearances to see if I can find myself a decent pair to own.  [And until then, who wants to go again?!]

We went to the Elm Creek Park Reserve in Maple Grove, rented snowshoes for $5, and made our way out on the trails for a couple hours.  It was wonderful to leave the city for a bit as we crossed tributaries, meandered about on a frozen pond, forged our way through thorny bushes, and walked the groomed paths.

Joel – the troll under the bridge [naturally] – attacks us.

  

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