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links for a crabby monday.

25 Jun
I’m terribly crabby today.  Stay away.  Seriously – that’s your warning.
I think it’s because I’m at work [… and blogging.  opps.] and not outside in this beautiful weather.  It might be because I started work at 7:30 yesterday morning and didn’t get done until 8 last night [with a little time for a nap in between].  Needless to say, today is a catch-up and work-ahead office day in my jeans and tshirt.  And I might leave mid-afternoon.  [Shh.]  I need to be outside today before the heat arrives and makes me glisten.  [I had a conversation post-church yesterday with three women.  They decided that women don’t sweat.  They glisten.]
Thus, instead of subjecting you to crabbiness [no one wants that], I give you links.  Huzzah!
My pastor colleague, Emily, writes a column in the Rochester newspaper each week.  I give this one a hearty AMEN.
This is a real thing and I want to go to there.  It’s on my calendar.  Now I just need friends to go with … hint, hint.
I’m so intrigued.  D. Lose knows how to make a girl think.  And how to make her add books to her reading list.
We’re making these to take to New Orleans with us for the youth gathering.  I think it will be a great experience to hand them out to those who are homeless as we encounter them in our time there.
This sounds delicious.  I’ve been on a zucchini kick lately.
Okay.  I’m done.  Back to being crabby at my desk.  I hope your Monday is non-crabby and awesome!

mascara: not just for eyelashes.

21 Jun
I went out last night.
That’s right.
I went to dinner and to see The Sound of Music at the local community college with four women from the church.  It was an enjoyable time but worry it’s a glimpse of my future.
We left the church parking lot at 5pm.  Austin is about a 15 minute drive and the show was at 7:30.  We didn’t want to be late.
We ate at Culver’s where I learned that if I ever have gray hairs around my face, using mascara as a temporary cover-up is always an option.
We got to the theater at 6:30 to pick up our tickets which were being held for us.  There were only two other people there at that time, and neither of them were the box office people.  So the five of us journeyed to the bathroom.
There were five sinks in the bathroom.  Five sinks; five of us.  I was at the middle sink, washing my hands, and looked to my left and my right and knew I had to get out of there.  I left and waiting in the hallway while they combed their hair.  I tweeted from my iphone, needing to do something that reminded me I am still under 30 years old.
We waited some more.  Doors to the theater weren’t going to open until 7pm.  twiddle thumbs.
The show was good but a wee long.  I didn’t get home until after 10:30 which made it a long night.  [says the youngest gal in the group]  It was very nice of them to ask me to go with and it was a fun time but I underestimated how much energy it would require me.  I was one tired lady.
To bed I went, dreaming of raindrops on roses and white woolen mittens, and reminding myself that I’m only 28 going on 29, even if my typical company was a wee bit older.  And my mascara is reserved for my eyeslashes.  For now, at least.

asparagus.

15 Jun
I wanted to find out how to cook asparagus in a new way.
I went to pinterest and searched.
My search results were interesting.

Reminds me of the llama, llama, cheesecake, llama video of college popularity. 
Asparagus, asparagus, creepy animal, asparagus …
I’ve included a photo of my finished dinner plate. Grilled cheese is one of those foods I could eat forever and ever, and it’s been forever since I’ve ate one. The bread was an afternoon purchase from a Mennonite family at the Austin farmer’s market. That bread is so delicious it’s dangerous. Danger. Danger.

lonely.

15 Jun
In the last two weeks, I’ve been told two specific things, each three times.  Stay with me –

Three different times, people have told me that they appreciate my honesty.

Three different times, people have had conversations with me about how lonely ministry is.

I will now share with you honestly how ministry is lonely.

ding.  turn page.

Ministry is lonely.  That seems like an absurd thing to even say.  You might want to respond, Lindsay, you’re with people all the time.  Part of your job is to have conversation with people.  How is your job lonely?

It is.

The role of an ordained minister is, by its very nature, lonely. People often see us as set apart, which we means we must be intentional about finding relationships that allow us to be our true selves. We desperately need the space to laugh, cry, and rejoice together! [source: supporting young clergy]

True story.  And it’s hard to find those intentional relationships that allow us to be our true selves.  And it’s hard to work at a solo call with no colleague to bounce ideas off us, celebrate, and complain.  And it’s hard to have a long day and not have anyone with whom to share that.

I certainly am surrounded by family and friends who I know I could call and say all these things to … but it’s not quite the same.  I also know how fortunate I am to have Paige, jD, and Lauren nearby; I wouldn’t have made it this far were it not for them.  But it’s still lonely at times.

In every other place I’ve moved [college, Stillwater, seminary, Dawson], there have been potential friends built into the structure – be it coworkers or fellow students.  Here, alone in the middle of a cornfield … not so much.  And I’m completely at a loss where to even begin.

That’s life.  And that’s part of why I cry so much and am slightly, halfway unhappy here.  It’s not all the congregation and it’s not all me.  Part of it is simply is loneliness and part of it is that I don’t know how to fix it.

And I guess that’s really all I know to say about that.

[Talk about an anti-climatic post and ending.  When I first starting writing this yesterday afternoon, I anticipated it being a long, involved post.  … guess not.]

what year is it?

10 Jun
I mentioned before it’s strawberry festival week at Red Oak Grove.  The event is on Tuesday but things are already in full swing.  Today, following service, potatoes and eggs were cooked and peeled.  Celery was chopped with amazing precision, and manly men moved tables.  

This is my first strawberry festival so I’m not entirely sure what to expect or what my role is to be as pastor.  I had mentioned to a couple ladies that they should let me know what I can do.  I feel totally uncomfortable being a person at an event without a job.  I want something to do so I’m not standing awkwardly, waiting for people to talk with or whatnot.  The introvert in me needs a task – something to fall back on and keep my hands busy during conversation lulls.  I told them I was willing to do anything – just lead me to it and sign me up.  I’m game.  Just don’t tell me my job is to talk to people all night.  That would not be overly enjoyable.
Bake sale, I was told.  The baked goods are put on tables in the narthex and I could help Judy run that sale.  That way, they told me, I was still in the middle of the action and could still greet people.  [So, really, I didn’t completely escape the-pastor-as-hostess role but I got close.]  Great, I said.  Bake sale it is.
I chatted with a dear woman this morning over coffee.  I hear you’re looking for a job, she said.  I explained that I would be helping with the bake sale so I was set.  We’ve never really had to think about giving the pastor a job, she said.  They’ve always been men but of course you can help.
She meant well and nothing she said was directly insulting really.  She was just fine with me helping.  But the only reason I can help is because I’m a woman?  Or pastor-men always just assume that their role is play host and woo the crowd?  Or shame on us – our pastor is a woman now; we should include her in the womanly tasks?  I’m not quite sure but the comment shook me bit nonetheless.  
This is on the shirttails of another conversation with a younger woman in the congregation who was told last year that she couldn’t scoop ice cream in the kitchen because it was a man’s job.  Props to her for sticking with it.  She said her arm hurt the next day but she did it.  [whipping-face-mask-off-in-the-final-scenes-of-Return-of-the-King: I am no man!]
What year is it again?

two thumbs up.

8 Jun
Two thumbs up for bed and breakfasts.
When I left the MacArthur Inn on Thursday morning, Max and Sherry, the delightful owners, walked me to the door.  They thanked me for my stay and I thanked them for showing me the greatness of b&bs.  It was quaint, convenient, and just plain different than a hotel.  Two thumbs up.
It was breakfast on Thursday morning that really convinced me of the greatness.  While there were only five of us for breakfast on Wednesday morning, the next morning the table was full with eight guests.  Next to me was a gentleman with an accent.  Alex from Switzerland.  We had small talk as a table during the meal [blueberry strata] and then Alex and I began talking as others wondered off to their day adventures.  We sat and chatted for close to an hour about how we had come to Grand Marias, about driving to Alaska [he wanted to and his friends in Europe told him he was crazy.], and what we do for a living.  He works at a hostel and does city tours of Zurich.  Twelve years ago, at 21, he came over on a temporary work visa to work the summer months as a housekeeper and dishwasher, and so the town of Grand Marais is close to his heart [he said as he tapped his chest].  [The tourism of the town depends on European help, much like the WI Dells, I suppose.]  I told him I was a pastor [and you know how Europeans are about church…] and he said, “Not to be ignorant or rude, but what do you do all week?”  A super fun chat that – chances are – would never have happened at a hotel.
On another note, I think I’m on a kayaking high.  I think that happens when you conquer a certain fear successfully.  And I think I just really liked the experience and am totally psyched to go again sometime soon.  [But maybe in a recreational kayak as opposed to a sea kayak.  And maybe somewhere a bit calmer water-wise.]  I kinda feel like this kid – I can do anything now.  [If you haven’t already seen the video, you must watch it.  Must.  It’s an oldie but a goodie.]

Two thumbs up for rock and roll, for kayaking adventures, and for bed and breakfast stays.

thoughts on traveling alone.

6 Jun
Traveling alone isn’t all fun and games. 
There is no one to share in the inside jokes. 
No one to whom I can complain. 
No one to laugh with or with whom to people watch.
Congratulations. You have just become that person. I am now going to tell you everything I couldn’t tell anyone when it happened.
You know how that one husband who is staying at the B&B looks like the gay guy Cher kinda sorta dates in Clueless? Totally.  They kinda laugh the same too.
How funny was it when that couple at the restaurant last night sat on the same side of a table? [A table designed to have one person on each of its four sides.]  It apparently was their anniversary and the wife kept asking, “Did you move your chair closer, honey? Did you move your chair closer?” Lay off, woman, and eat your vegan dinner. You don’t need to be sitting on top of your husband right now. “Did you move your chair closer? Did you?”
Do you think Phil-the-kayak-guide is single? Also, what do you think it would feel like to run your hands through his curly red hair? (Answer: amazing.)
And that woman on the kayak trip who apparently knew everything? Gross.
< Was it just me or would you also want to run inside and yell to the people behind the counter at this donut place, “You did it! You finally did it!” like on the movie Elf?  World’s best donuts?!  Congratulations!  
Do I really have cause to currently dislike my job or do I simply have too high of expectations? Maybe it’s not the job that has to change; maybe it’s me.  [shoot.]
I don’t want to go home tomorrow.  Please don’t make me.  One more night would be perfect.
my dinner view at the angry trout.
>The server I had for dinner at The Angry Trout restaurant was named Lenna. Of course she was.  I wonder where Ole was.  All I know is that she didn’t charge me for my glass of wine because she kinda forgot about me for fifteen minutes.  I’ll take it; it wasn’t like I was just sitting there doing nothing.  I was reading my book on introverts by myself like most crazy people would be doing.
No, Stone Harbor Outfitters, I will not rent one of those stand-up paddle boards to try on Lake Superior.  You crazy.  But I will buy a set of playing cards called Don’t Die Out There to give to my brother, Ben.  Each card has a survival tip on it; not that he needs it.  He just got back for a bear hunting trip about which he sent an email.  He called it “exciting” and is apparently getting a bear rug out of the kill.  Huh.
Bright yellow Keen sandals were a very wise investment.

vacation plans.

24 May
It’s one week away and I’m beyond psyched.  [obviously.  I can’t stop talking about it.]
It will be a lot of driving but glorious time away.  
Oh, beautiful day.
Vacation will start with a wedding on Friday in the Cities.  Seminary friend, Frank, is marrying his Kate.  And I’m bringing the cakepops.  [They hired me to make 300.  Yum yum.]
I’ll stay a night with BFF Sara in her new home [which she shares with a boy.  eww.  gross.  boys.] and then drive to Dawson the next day for graduation festivities.  And maybe a Sunday of worship at Grace?  [I hate to be that person … but any Dawson friends have a couch I could crash on Saturday night?  My usual couch-to-crash-on is at the house of one of said graduation parties.  Needless to say, they will be otherwise engaged and busy.  Any suggestions?]
From Dawson, I may swing down to Sioux Falls to visit my college roommate and her husband for a night or two.  It’s been a long while since I’ve played with Joe and Amanda!  
I’ll return to the parsonage for a night to unpack and repack for the second leg of the adventure.  I’m buying a state park pass and hopping my way north to Grand Marais, where I have a two night reservation at a bed and breakfast.  I’ve never been north of Duluth and it’s been over 10 years since I was even that far north.  I’m excited to see lighthouses, hike, read, and relax.  And most of all –
I’m excited to kayak.  To go kayaking is a long time dream of mine.  I’ve never been and I just know I will love it.  I love a good canoe trip and I have a feeling kayaking will be just as wonderful.  I have signed up for a guided kayak tour out and about on Lake Superior and I’m so thrilled at the thought.
You might wonder, Are you going by yourself?  Yes.  I recently came to the realization that if I keep waiting for someone to have these adventures with, I may never do it.  My friends are busy.  My friends have other friends.  Some of my friends don’t even have the same interests.  And so I go by myself.  I learned from my Alaskan adventure last summer that traveling along isn’t so horrid.  It even has some perks.  I don’t mind being alone.  [which sounds really sad.  but it’s okay.  really.  well, most days anyways.]

immediate reactions.

24 May
Once upon a time, there was a billboard.  This billboard was the route of a major highway in south eastern Minnesota.  Pastor Lindsay passed the billboard today.  On one side of the board it said Heaven.  On the other side it said Hell.  There was an OR between the two words.  Heaven or Hell.  Below that was a phone number: [random three numbers] – FOR – TRUTH.  Then there was, in the corner, John 3:36.  Whoever believes in the Son has eternal life, but whoever rejects the Son will not see life, for God’s wrath remains on them.
Things like this make Pastor Lindsay’s skin crawl.  Things like this tend to be the version of Christianity most people know.  Heaven or hell.  Black and white.  Absolute.  Right and wrong.  Call them for the truth because obviously they have it and you don’t.  [This isn’t even addressing the ignorance and intolerance and everything else for which Christianity gets press.  Gross.]
The Lutheran in me twitches.  The liberal in me screams.  For a long time, I would have really questioned myself in regards to my immediate reactions.  Could I confidently say what I believed?  Are my liberal Lutheran beliefs off and crazy?  Will people tell me I’m wrong for being a universalist [belief in salvation for all] and thinking this billboard is off its rocker?  
When I was on the first call theological retreat a couple weeks ago, I heard a seasoned pastor – one that I greatly respect – engage in a discussion about something or other with another.  At one point, he said this: “If there isn’t universalism, I’m not sure I want anything to do with it.”
Phew.  My own beliefs affirmed by another.  [Unfortunately, I need that affirmation for confidence sake.]  I can be a universalist and be okay.  [But don’t tell ROG.  I’m not sure they’re ready for their liberal pastor to come out of the box.]  I can scorn this billboard for being so certain, and I can believe that God’s love is bigger than they [and I] know.  I can say that I don’t have all the answers and that’s okay.  No one does – especially those who claim they do.
Okay.  I don’t know if I made any sense at all.  It’s probably scrambled and odd.  But I’m done now.

  

promoting self-esteem.

22 May
Amen, D. Lose.  Amen.  
The nail hath been hitteth on the head.  I often have these thoughts and these fears and the need to help young gals [and guys] in my ministry feel loved and valued … but I couldn’t have said it any better than awesome D. Lose.  
[David Lose is a beloved Norwegian-sweater-wearing preaching professor at Luther Seminary and a constant help to me on my sermons via workingpreacher.org.  You can sign up for daily devotions from him delivered to your email on his … in the Meantime site, linked above.]
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